herlucidlife

Literally I wake up with you on my mind, strangled to death the loss of friendship hurts more than others I’d ever faced. Wanting to share, you’ll mangle my emotions. Wanting to be vulnerable, you’ll leave me on read. Wanting to be free with you, you’ll imprison yourself behind the walls of your mind hoping I don’t see you struggling. You may not be thinking about me but you’re overthinking something because I’m over running a lot myself. You missed the importance of having genuine companionship for the sake of having. 

You missed that not every girl that comes into your life is looking to taint you, is looking to snatch something from you. You missed the memo when I didn’t ask for anything but you assumed I needed everything. I came with my own stuff, it’s lowkey rude to give more than what someone asked for as you don’t know the situations I sit in. You did the opposite, you overthink giving too much to then give nothing, it’s still mean. It was always about you, never about us, selfish. You thought I’d be okay with it because I understood how much you’d already given, too bad it wasn’t to me. I can’t help you.  

I’m clearly festering, creating a puss of reckless emotions, I’m so awake I’m dizzy. So open to the waves of this life I can’t help but feel every way you told me you cared just to show me you only cared about you and what you could get from me. You’re not upset by my leaving, you’re not bothered by my absence. No, you’ll only care about my disappearance when you need something and no one is around to give it to you, only then will you feel me. I didn’t sign up for torture, I didn’t sign up for your trickery.

The issue is you stopped giving what I needed in order to ensure I gave what you needed. You stopped giving thinking I would continue to give…the lies you believe when in agony. My guy, you are all around wrong, schemmed it all wrong. Whatever you thought you could obtain you lost, you missed the important detail that you have to give yourself in order to gain someone else, even if you simply want what they have. 

The well you created would’ve run dry eventually because you had come in with a cap on how emotionally available you were going to be. I see now that it may have been foolish to even consider you friendly. The quiet guy in school, overlooked, we were not the same. Attention floated over you while it came to my front door in style. Maybe you watched me then too, formulated how you would play the long game, I’m not sure I could be delusional. 

I’m sure I am losing my mind, downing a spiral of rejection, discarded no love shown but you’ll swear up and down you didn’t break my heart. But how could you know, you won’t even look me in my face.