herlucidlife

I might be bitter, definitely outraged. The viewers may get tired of me expressing my feelings toward you. Wanting to fall into a blackhole in fetal form and cry my eyes till I can’t see or feel your presence. Gosh, I’d never hurt like this. I keep going back and forth in my mind, trying to understand where your mind is, where your heart is. It really doesn’t matter where you are because you’ll not show me, meaning your emotions aren’t any of my business until you share. Lack of sharing, means lack of interest illustrating that you don’t want me. 

Since you don’t care, I should stop going back and forth because it’s killing me and not you. You can’t feel my heart shattering, you can’t see the effects of your poison on my threshold. I want you too though, shouldn’t be allowed to get away with how you trashed me. I’d never sought revenge not even in my daydreams, yet somehow with you the tides have shifted and I hope you get every ounce of my wrath. It’s not my place to give, and I won’t pray for your demise, know it’s coming. You think you’re low now, you’ve not felt low until destruction knocks at your door disguised as help. 

If you can wear a mask for years it makes me think that you’ve never even experienced the real you, did you forget what you look like? I’m so stupid to think that I saw you, a stranger I let you in my aura, you sat down and we broke emotional bread. You knew me like how lovers know love. I didn’t know you, you made sure. I’m fearful for you because I see that maybe the authentic you slipped out, I hope he can be salvaged.

I’ll never understand how people won’t do everything they can to be with the love that creates heart flutters. What is this life worth if not with the truest love, and not the second best you settled for because getting the number one was too hard. We all have a love with our name on it and by settling you stole someone else’s love to then have another love in your back pocket, greedy. 

I don’t want to spend my life in lackluster romances that don’t feed my soul. I don’t want to go through life wishing for that person, no I want to go through life with that person, only that person. I’m not internalizing how some are okay with settling, how some are okay with learning to love. Learning to love always sounded like “I’m too impatient to grow myself and wait.” I’ve been impatient thinking I could rush the events and time would follow. Digging up soars in the process. I’m more bruised but now I can see the bottom and all the goodness that had been lying dormant. 

You said any and everything to get what you wanted and now I have to do nothing to get what I wanted. You’ve shown that you need my attention to feel good about yourself. You manipulated me but you showed your hand in the process starving for wantedness you’ll always be hungry. They didn’t want you because they could see you didn’t want you, but I wanted you and it’s rare to find someone that will love the ugly, help you shine up the hideous, and celebrate the pretty. I’ve always known I’m special though I know better than to walk around as such. But you seem to have never tapped into your magic, not even to simply acknowledge it. 

Go want you before you want anyone else’s attention. Their eyes won’t cure you, but your consideration will restore you.