herlucidlife

I just keep scribbling, scribbling anything that reminds me of you. Wanting to turn time I miss the past, that includes the feeling you gave when we lived in ignorant bliss. Ignorant to the heavy emotions coming, unknowing to the field you were playing. I look back at that time and I understand how that girl couldn’t have survived this news. No, that girl was too fragile, too wrapped into you to lose any inch. She would’ve died if you turned your back on her in her crushed moment. She loved you back then and I’m glad she didn’t say anything. 

I have a hard time believing any of our friendship was real and if my young self knew you were playing she would’ve been undone. Unwell already, you picked the one person you knew was already on her last leg, couldn’t you have picked someone that wasn’t true like blue. Broken record on repeat when will I stop scratching your name into my mind, will it be before or after I internalize the heartbreak inflicted? Small pieces have digested yet I’m still chewing on the biggest piece of bull crap you served. 

I’m not waiting, time moves slow and fast all at once I’ll be different and you’ll still be the guy that twisted me round. Man I’d shout your name but I won’t blow your cover that way, I’ll let your secret die with my affection. I don’t want it to expire and that lovesick hopelessly romantic girl is praying you didn’t do what I think. You aren’t setting the record straight, if you don’t care what I think then you can’t care about me. Hints turning into evidence, you could’ve switched gears and done something different but I guess my target was your aim. Murderer. 

You don’t have to penetrate flesh to kill something precious. Slaughterhouse, you had no problem taking me down to the stalls, caressing my heart. You were comfortable. I’d only lay down if I felt safe, willingly I let you take hold, why not? You were supposed to be solid like me. Homicide, your silence says you didn’t mean how you acted, you didn’t mean what you said. Ruthless, so cold left to bleed out, you don’t care what I think of you because who I’m thinking of isn’t the real you. You can’t defend a being you don’t love, you can’t protect yourself or me because you seem to hate both. 

You may be thinking you’re not hurting yourself, but really you’re sabotaging the future self before they even have a chance to be great. You’ve killed the good growth needed for the future. I’ve seen the past and it’s taught that the future is what loses the most when the past and present aren’t cared for. We may not like it but each will always hold a part of the other, some things can’t be expelled.