herlucidlife

Lows hit, the face sits under the chin stretching the cheeks in a downward position, it feels natural to not smile. Tension in the jaws, the none upward rising of the mouth is causing discomfort. I can see myself wanting to start the rhythm over. Deadly centered on you, it’s not myself, it’s him. I’m sick of myself clinically guy disturbed. Unstable, I keep cutting myself deeper with knives that have no blades dismembered organs of the spirit blood stained. I don’t want the comfort I need, I want the ease that is man made. Divine repose is so pure I’m not sure how to receive it, not sure how I’m supposed to feel with it. 

Comments people share with me say that perhaps I’m smarter than what I portray to myself. They don’t know the girl that is so emotionally tangled walking through life as a zombie, feening for anything humane. You called me “street wise” to let my guard down, honestly I’m not sure why I even trusted to have it down. You’d think my guard would be on high alert from the damage inflicted by self and them. The destruction created in my life allows the mind to lose itself in the feelings that are being manifested. These feelings of you choked me so quickly I find myself in puddles on the floor, in the bathroom stall at work. 

The same stupid sheep like everyone else, nothing about me is special or distinct enough to avoid the way others move so recklessly, I get tangled too. The danger inside me liked how you moved so swaggerly through your rustic community. So loved that people would do anything for you including me, yet that hasn’t stopped the feeling of being used from setting in. Getting what I wanted, giving what you needed, stupid I want to be so important in every other guys life but not your life. The good person God sent me, I didn’t want that couldn’t love that, is it true that we can become so accustomed to ratchet love that wholesome loving looks unappetizing? Or is that just my issue?

I’m looking for something but I don’t want to go to the source to get it. Feeling myself being undone, it’s taking everything not to lash out at you. You’re not the one with the problem, you’re not the one that should’ve been more careful, having no obligation toward me why am I so dense? May sound harsh but let’s keep it right and tight to hold everything in that matters, my character is beginning to split. Morals out the door, I’ve slid back into that hurt girl I don’t like, the one that’s needy but knows how to wear a disguise so good you’d think she was cold. Cold isn’t how I feel though it may be how I move. My insides are so hot they’ve melted into goo and when depressed they solidify into the coldness that is my actions. 

I understood the moment you left that I had discarded someone that was everything I had asked for. Though possessing things that made me uncomfortable, it was really my own demons making me squirm. The tender way you loved me just simply made the unholiness in me shift into corners. God gave what I needed and I gave it back because I couldn’t handle it well. Blessings don’t deserve to be mishandled but given back to the owner for keeping.