herlucidlife

Appetite is gone. Body is limp and exhausted. Mind is ruptured and maimed. What makes me purposely walk into harm’s way? Why would I purposely entertain danger to then be eaten alive? Though I come with intentions that seem so easy they marginalize on desperation, even those little things hold expectation. Unsurprised, none fulfilled, I don’t want to sit here and pour my heart out over yet another guy. What you’ve been witnessing is a purging of ex-boyfriends and flames that have died. Painful to the heart I needed them gone to live in comfort with myself, loving me. 

It hurt when you said, “I should call one of my friends to vent,” funny I thought I had. Letting me know then you weren’t the one, guess I just needed to confirm that I was only needed for the taking nothing more. All of a sudden I’m scared to be vulnerable and say that I’ve gone back in time to see if any love was still there. No love, just boys wanting to use up the goods again. No affection, just boys looking to fish for sport. Painful though willing, the fish is never ready to be yanked from their home, body fluttering for dear life but who cares it’s all a tease. Unfortunately for me I’m insane, not ignorant. 

You could have been more humane and left me in the water, giving the attention I wanted. I ate the bait just ready to be used for love, but you threw me away when you got what you wanted, threw back in the water back into my home. Home where life feels murky again, being feels a little more empty, thinking maybe I should find a pond with less fishermen. I’m really upset with myself because I knew hurt was around the corner but like so many others I went off “could be” then following good advice and going off “what is.” I allowed myself to be taken to places I didn’t want to go just so I could encounter the people I wanted, while not seeing those people do it for me in return. 

No, I blame me this time. A pity party, yes I’m one of those girls so focused on a man that I’d literally let dreams so close there months away be pushed further into oblivion. I can’t get over how I willingly just let you take things from me, why? Do I not value it enough that I want to see if you will? You didn’t and still don’t. I’ve not come across a new trauma to bore your ears with, just the same old ran over broken heart that we’ve seen before. Nothing has changed but the way I look at myself. My insides are ready to jump into action, they’re ready to tell you how it goes or should go.  The body moving with instinct is halted, we’re not sure it’s worth the cost to purchase. 

I really can’t afford it anyway. Spent, I’m not sure what I’m doing or even what I’m trying to accomplish, like what am I trying to gain from you? Nothing that I can’t bring myself, can you tell me why I bother with you? Everyday just proves more that I should be locked away from the general public, instantaneous combustion in form. You won’t hold me if I destroy both of us when I explode. You’ll make sure to get out before I implode leaving the wreckage just for me alone.