herlucidlife

The last Mohican, I allow you to take from me because I love helping you. I love seeing you prosper and do well, unfortunately you will make sure it’s at my expense and not yours. Told you I wasn’t comfortable but you went ahead and got what you wanted anyway. Reluctantly I give thinking you’ll not take anymore because what I’m giving was never up for taking. I’ve always believed your words but actions had never matched the discussion. I let you play with me. I let you use me, I let you…so don’t ever think it was because of you that you got what you wanted. You only received it because of my own graciousness, too bad I’m human and grace has a limit. 

Yours has run out, empty, why are you looking for me to hand you something you already know how to obtain yourself? My endless supply of giving is open to those that know how to return some of those gifts with their own, not material I’m looking for emotional ties. You’ll take because the responsibility of the well doesn’t lie with you, feeling like you’re losing nothing. I’ll give because it comes from the heart, always looked upon highly by Jesus. You went quiet when I told you no, that’s all the proof I needed to make sure you were still the leech you’d always been. 

Lapping up others leftovers won’t get you the gold you seek. You were telling me your intentions the entire time, so focused on my own I missed the red signs until they appeared in your actions. No longer a mistake, you’re the last branch needing to be cut from my life. I’ve held on because of fond history, for the affection for the years of love seeping into my heart. Those memories don’t keep me warm when you stomp my heart. Those memories are tainted when you think they are stepping stones for your personal taking and pleasure. 

To sever a connection that my devotion still flows too is difficult, keeping you in my life is not rational. Logically, you’re a parasite that will suck the life out of me, clearly you have to be discarded. I say these words in the most loving way possible, if the shoes were switched I’d plead for you to throw me away. I’d not want to cause detriment, while you’ll cause it “just seeing” hoping to get over. Any hand out is better than none, especially when it’s coming from the person you’d rather love but can’t, you’ll take instead. 

Being genuine in my giving doesn’t ensure that you will do the same. Never perfect, what in me made it feel comfortable for you to take? My empathy is running dry, my soul is cracking because every being I ever wanted never really wanted me but what I could bring to the table. Head swirling in self loathing, I hate myself for ever loving you. Depleted and bruised, drained I’ve never experienced a romantic human love that doesn’t bring an unwell aura. Perhaps love isn’t supposed to be searched for, but brought to me by Love Himself. Only Love can make sure that being is built for me with what I need, for my eyes can’t even see the full scope of my own being. 

I’ve picked love based on what I’m lacking rather than looking to the source for all that He may bring who I need when I need.