herlucidlife

I don’t want to tell anyone I gave you coin. I don’t want to tell anyone I did the most stupid thing hoping it would create the perfect situation. Everything aligned ideally and it felt cosmic, only thing your heart was wonky, not so perfect after all. I needed that sweet moment to prepare my heart for never having that time again. A sweet farewell, just in time for my heart to turn cold, for the attraction to fade. I see so clearly a fork in the road, no choice but to choose you or me. Praying for this moment of singleness, I screwed up last time when I made you so important. 

You were my happiness, my grief counselor, my getaway, my future plans. None of those ideas included God or myself, just you and what you needed. My energy is so possessive that it’s kept you enthralled over the years and it’ll only get stronger, though my focus will no longer be your being. I fell for my own trap. The force in my spirit is attractive, being in my corner doesn’t mean I need to stay in yours. I’m attracting your exit, it’s needed for the next stage of life as your presence will only taint. Mangled because I really wanted you to be in attendance throughout my life. God doesn’t tell which people will need to leave or stay but at the appointed time He reveals why your exit is beneficial to our success. Or did He tell me and I missed His whisper from the distraction’s yelling ? 

Not only can you not come to my party, but I can’t come to yours. It’s not just you missing out on me, I’m missing out on you. You truly love me with more fiber than you can hold, unfortunately neither of us have learned the proper lessons needed to know how to love each other. Knowing how to love doesn’t only come from me telling you but it comes from you experiencing life that you bring it to our table. You’ve not encountered anyone like me, so the training is a little ill fitting. The hard truth is that your life knowledge isn’t meant to benefit me anymore, it’s not meant for our table but another. 

Spending a couple of hours in your life, I could see that I didn’t have a place. The space you gave me was only temporary. Cramped in between friends, work, and extracurriculars even after years of absence you wouldn’t give me more time. Hypocritical in that I trusted your words over actions too many times to count, over my own judgement. Lessons are clicking, learning is activated. My Teacher sees that I’m on track to the goal He set for me, I will not allow you to derail me.