herlucidlife

Waiting to Exhale, Angela Bassett; “always thought if I gave him what he needed, he would give me what I needed.” Giving you what you needed, didn’t give me what I needed, sucked dry, exhausted, finally getting some life in my cheeks dropping weight my goodness. 

No more moments to pick at, anything said now would be overkill. The mind is liking to pick up new fantasies as fresh plans are popping into action through friends. She’s already running, I’m screaming “SLOW DOWN!” She doesn’t hear me, her mind is in la la land trying to catch hold of a feeling we’ve cast out. We’ve been on this road before. I won’t bore you with the details of my daydream.  

I’m nervous that I’ll let myself down in this next phase of life. I’m not quite unsure of myself as I believe the goodness of God was granted, rather I’m unsure of the discipline I’m holding. Is it enough? Is the mind on the wrong thing? Shouldn’t I be honoring God’s strength with my focus rather than worrying in vain?  

I’ve been exposed to ideologies I hadn’t considered in many years. Mother used to read the zodiac to navigate personality traits, never looking too seriously into the order it was just for fun. Coming full circle around the bend my intellect is beginning to play on suggestion. Lacking in bond with the Word, it’s been a while since I’ve made sure my marrow is strong.  

I blocked you. Impulsively I wiped you from my life just like that you’re gone. Every single distraction has been blotted out, clean slate. Some hurt more than others but all needed in the same sore way my brain felt like exploding needing relaxation. Choosing my well being, my joy, my peace over even entertaining a friendship. Beneficial to all involved there’s no way to hang on without hurt being involved. Too present already I needed an exit, my exodus is wrapped in your withdrawal. 

Don’t fret as your flight is also taking off, I’m not the only one in need of growth. Deciding to make decisions for the sake of being healthy. Overall wellness, includes expelling those that may cause wounds or impede the running of my core operation, mental fitness. I love you. Salty water streaming down my flesh, filling pores, drowning peach fuzz, lining the jaws. I’ll miss you. Sores in the chest are wanting to heal, heavy from the burden of carrying you around like mothers carry children.