herlucidlife

Never felt lonely until I decided to delete every possible prospect, really no contenders just a line up of heart break that hadn’t finished the job years ago. I’m concerned about you, didn’t want to just pop in your life I had actually thought about staying a while. Believe when I say no one other man made me push you away, it was the yearning to be whole in myself that positioned me to barricade every opening that you couldn’t get through. Penetrating every soul when I hit blocked not only my own, still having a hard time internalizing I ever meant something to you. Cocky to think you were holding love for me, it’s easier to think you didn’t care in order to move on. 

Walking on knowing union loved me thinking maybe I left something beautiful I’m not sure, the road will bring me to understanding. Funny after being so readily available I don’t like not having someone always being tangible. No one else wanted me the way you did, you put value on our relationship making sure to always be set apart. Can’t thank you enough for showing more than what I deserved. Not harsh but truthful, no room for loving you. I took you for granted until asked to leave. Taking advantage of the help you gave, even a little assistance is gladly appreciated. 

You don’t care about my little hurt feelings because they hurt you first. Unblocking my door to see if past loves had the gall you did, they didn’t and I knew it. Wanting to feel bad for allowing you to entertain my presence after my union hit the fan and exploded. Taking full responsibility for the turmoil in my heart, sometimes I need to devise my own destruction to be rebuilt. Perhaps detonation was given by God Himself, for all the emotional landmines went off at the appointed time to deliver the correct exit strategy for healing to enter and chaos to leave. 

Facts. I love you L. I’ll say your name because the others never mattered because they never showed I mattered enough to be anything other than “that girl I like to say I’m in love with just to string her along.” Wanting more from you, what else were you supposed to give when I was holding onto more than truths, withholding the love you had signed up for but never received. It was being blocked by other loves that had blinded my romantically judgmental heart. Be careful to take caution against what you pray for as all things come with side effects.

Gratitude for knowing you, for loving you, clearly the others mattered enough to fill my heart so full I would’ve never been able to give more than my share. Hating they held importance, for you had the status and title none should’ve touched.  Loathing, should’ve protected you, us but it’s too late and I’ll never disrupt your life again. Promise, you’ll never see me. I mean it because for you to see me is to see pain enforced for no reason. Understand, my departure wasn’t about you but me, a recurring issue “our” importance couldn’t be factored in because the “I” wasn’t ready to put them down to pick us up.