herlucidlife

Didn’t think I’d feel worse for failing to be a better friend than a wife. I feel like a liar for deleting you from my life, maybe I should’ve talked with you first but the silence you came with beforehand had already made me think you’d left. Funny you don’t have the guts to say you left our relationship way before the papers had been signed. Giving up is leaving doesn’t matter if the body is floating, it’s in vain because the emotional capacity is ill fitting. I don’t know how to treat you, I love you but don’t want you. I want you to be blessed with every good thing flowing to your being, you’ll never understand the genuine goodness I pray for you to experience. 

Not even trying to reach out perhaps you’ve made it all the more clear that you’re also tired of my spasms. Invested even after I shouldn’t be, I struggle with knowing when to walk away. Don’t hate me for giving you distance when maybe you needed me to lean in. Haunted by the thought of choosing myself, it’s funny how I feel selfish for picking well being over enabling. Uprooted by your lack, I may have fibbed when I said our love was beautiful. Looking back, being tied to you was the darkest moments of my life mixed with genuine happiness of knowing you. Insane, how you gave life and death all in one ring. 

Giving me assistance all I needed was your companionship, as the hard work had already been handled. I don’t believe when I tell myself I “felt loved,” because really I felt used for personal gain and comfort. Needing someone with establishment you only wanted to be settled but not whole. You only wanted to be attached to someone that had permanence, looking for what you had left behind in other worlds. Though the past stomped your heart out, you still yearned for the commitment of any warm body that would house your grief. Never taking a dime, you didn’t come looking for monetary value but a vessel to pour into your well. 

Made to feel unwanted for prioritizing healthy habits, you only wanted to do better when it was too late, you gave up and my heart couldn’t take it. I lied when I said you’d never see me again, you’ll see the progression that is my life in years down the line. Indirectly observed by your eyes, you move as though I owed you something. Is a friendship really companionship when physicality was present before emotional ties? 

Alluding to being mentally objective, I guess that didn’t tap in when you became suspicious of my divorced girl ways. But it was okay, as long as you kept your secret and also got your cake too. Funny how you’re upset at my behavior when it was an exact replica of your own? Yes! You’re a hypocrite for thinking you could live your life while still trying to hold thumbs over mine. Seems you missed the memo of me being in charge of my own person, you’d forced me into a corner resiliency crept into the bones classic escape artist I know how to find me a space for inner Love.

It wasn’t love, it was convenient and it was comfortable for you. Nothing else ever mattered. I see now you’re just like the people you condemn in your grizzly hometown. All they seek is easy, scamming to get whatever is needed, you used marriage as a con to get full. Shame.