herlucidlife

Eyes filling with liquid, I’m not fully understanding what is occurring. Sometimes I get nervous feeling like I have no room for any emotional capacity, no new people can enter, not even friends, the heart is too full. Thinking I’ll not be able to accept anyone else, you’ve made me question if I’ve done right by people. You’ve made me question the integrity I try to walk by, morals feeling fickle perhaps I needed to be the villain to see I never want to be in this role again. 

Spiritually thirsty I’m now seeing I don’t love correctly, and anyone who experienced my lackluster affection was done a disservice. Walking with conditions, emoting with stipulations I don’t believe I possess or even have the human capability to love the way Love does. I miss you because I did you wrong, but I won’t bother to tell you because I don’t think it’s kind to bother resting bodies. The mind processes things in circles, cycling around to certain people and events until one day it stops turning the corner. 

Too much life would have to occur to never feel how you impacted my life. No actions taken on these emotions, something in my bones feels this is for the best though painful. They always say communication is key but when does communing become dangerous? Not conveying well to begin with, I hate chomping on old news after it’s left the building. Pushing forward, things are moving forward, trusting God for the road ahead. I’m so scared but I won’t let it influence my actions. 

Nervous to maintain the blessing, afraid I’ll run out of resources, yet I can’t shake this feeling I’m on the right track. Written in the skull, “when God commands He will provide, when God tells me to sow seeds He will grant resources for the process beyond the harvest, when God leads He will give direction.” Sufficient grace will flow over every good work, divine gifts from the Heavenly Father they’re supposed to be used. Talking to Father, He’s soothing a mind that likes to run in fear. You’re here with every outcome planned to perfection. 

I’m not sure terror ever leaves the mind as I’ll always be human on this side, yet I look forward to the day when fearful sentiments are not my go to comfort. Can faith be an emotion? Can faith be an energy that coats and seeps into my bones curing the anxiety this world creates? I believe the energy He brings grants me the comfort to have hope, the strength to have faith, and the courage to keep walking in spite of what the mind thinks is possible. 

I left your side L, I couldn’t stay and I hope you understand. I didn’t think about your feelings as mine had choked the truths you told me. I don’t know who to believe or who to take seriously, romantic love has made it to where words and actions really don’t mean anything. They both feel empty, I know you tried to share your affect with me and I really wanted to receive it. The truth is I don’t like myself when I’m around you. Truth is you hold more pain in my eyes than I’d like to admit. 

You did nothing yet my heart is broken from knowing you. I’m sure your heart hurts from knowing me too.