herlucidlife

I’ve looked at myself in the mirror some days not recognizing myself. Gazing at the reflection, things I see in my eyes are beginning to dissolve. Have you ever instantly felt changed? Cleaning the brush from my front yard, I became upset at how I allowed a comfortable being to infiltrate my headspace to the point where I thought death was the only way out. Thinking, “wow I might die in this union,” you had me believing you could kill me from the stress your none moving body emitted. 

Your lack slung me forward into my purpose, though not good to me you were what I needed. Flipping negativity into optimism is a skill set given by Jesus Himself, for I too have seen the evils in this world that could choke the giggle out of a baby. No longer upset, I knew better than to go down that road, everything in me kicking and screaming making myself be in places, simply too scared to say no. 

Getting comfortable means you were doing things that were considered heavy work and you got tired. No sir, you didn’t get tired rather you came in willing to do nothing expecting to do nothing. Child, I shouldn’t let it fester yet the frustration welled up when all I wanted was a little initiative because things wouldn’t get done if I didn’t care for it myself. Shouldn’t have taken a year with you in the house for things to get done only after you’d left. Seeping inactivity into my bones, wasting life away, perhaps I needed it to see I never want to be in that space again. 

How much time needs to pass before the past is forgotten? I don’t believe it ever leaves rather forgetting is a choice purposely shifting the mind away from certain topics. Even when the mind thinks she wants to roam back there, smacking her hand I say, “NO! That’s off limits permanently.” Not upset, it’s really more of a irritation toward the way my mind works. Like cancer of the mental it likes to spread but I’ll not let your memory kill out my vibe. Late night thoughts keep me company, not  missing any sleep, you’ll just visit every now and then in dreams. We all know where I see you, I have to repeat because I need you to know the potency at which you’ve emitted a fragrance into my nostrils. 

It’s not fresh but really the heart doesn’t need new ideas to keep fires burning, you’re evidence of that. Please don’t be confused by my wording, no flames are trying to stay lit rather I’m trying to stomp mine out with Timberlands. Unfortunately, operation of the mind can’t be forced, she has way too much will power. She’ll need to gain a new mental routine that has learned how to block you out even when events and conversations in life seem to wrap you around the bend. Vented rants keep me sane, letting me know that how I feel isn’t unusual, rather it’s normal and I’ll not ever act on these emotions. All things can be figured out with just a touch of compassion from Jesus. 

I’d not look to you to love me, snooping not for love but for ego. Please don’t compare past to the present as both are too special to be tainted by juxtaposition. You’d do better not doing anything, just stop and breath, and truly assess what you’re willing to lose by acting the way you’ve been. Willing to lose yourself? You know who you hold is sacred, worth every high price. Please consider cautiously the bed you’re making.