herlucidlife

Rambling on, I really want to fester on your being. Please don’t ever move from my mind because though tainted the view is aromatic to my visions. Choosing to hold on I could let this go into nothingness yet I’ve not learned that skill fully. Talking about you with our friends, one seems to think we can get past this while the other says leave well enough alone. Wanting to only hear God’s voice, I’m still learning the lesson of discernment. The gut feeling I get when thinking of you says “leave him resting in quiet places until the Holy Spirit guides you from the heart of your stomach.” So I’m patiently waiting for the time when Jesus says it’s safe to interact. 

Until then I work diligently on the lesson plan Teacher has given me. Loving being in His school, He’s really preparing me for greater, answering prayers, feeling His warmth, it’s like no other I’ve ever experienced. It’s like feeling the sun in the house. It’s like hearing mom’s voice on constant repeat in real time. It’s like everything and all things Love at once beaconing a laser right onto my soul. Never wanting to feel needed by you, people will discard what they no longer need, that’s what you did to me. Rather I wanted to be wanted because true intentions are evident when pure joy of your presence is evident and shared. 

You don’t have to keep reading if you’re tired of me speaking on the same topic but really aren’t we all the same in how we rehash old affairs, even after surrendering the heart just won’t stop holding on. Often taking that quality as something negative, what if that’s the correct spirit needed to show God’s love to all, even those that have done me wrong. For I too have done wrong to others yet I’ve still seen grace a million times over. Loving hard is an expertise that many profess to have while most hide in shame of not wanting to be played. Learning love is action centered, you’d never have to question mine because the action was shared over screens, in person, pampered by sincere affection. 

I don’t mind giving to the one I love. I look forward to serving those holding pieces of my heart, blood only those in my circle are family whether from the same tree or not. Feeling like I cut my finger off, you were a part of my nature, perhaps too intense I’ll not apologize for being who God created me to be. Feeling deeply every emotion, internalizing depth that it house’s freedom in my bones, no I’ll not apologize. Miracles are created in depth, seeds are planted in dirt so deep roots need darkness to grow further and stronger than before. Not all sun and rainbows, it’ll take years to expel you though I question if rather you’re simply supposed to shift in my heart and not be thrown away. 

Nothing in my heart will do you the way you did me, not fair really I’m making this decision based on the love in my heart. I truly believe Jesus is the blueprint for how love is shown, not easy I’d like to drag you through the mud but when you care for someone not even dirtying their name is an option. Only truths being told, no lies, two of our friends know exactly what happened. Yet they can attest that my heart is still in the same posture it was before, humbly looking to serve you through Jesus.