herlucidlife

I had a whole scenario in my head down to the outfit I was going to wear when you saw me. Oh yes honey I was ready for the reveal of my person to your person. In the midst of our friends something is telling me healing will happen with them at our sides. Not too attached to the process it took to dream them up, honestly only your being would make any dream appetizing. It’s counterproductive to want someone that goes against the life Jesus has laid for me. Wanting to gnaw on the past, really the affection I have is trying to taint the future. 

Both, staying in the past and running past God to the future is dangerous. Safety in the here and now, my mind is wanting to rush feelings like I’m trying to look around God’s shoulder to see the secrets of the unknown. He’s too big and I’m too small to see anything past my own hand holding His. If asked God will give wisdom and vision for the road ahead, yet somethings I’d like to be a surprise for if I ask about something I shouldn’t be focused on now then things will not be given the correct amount of attention in the present. 

Only asking about things I can control, though the mind is reeling, I still don’t feel comfortable moving around Him for you. It’ll hurt but my being is enjoying not going down the same paths, for the lane I’m on now is birthing wonders I’d prayed for. Living in the life I asked for, I’ll not take for granted this time of nurturing. For God is finally becoming more important than you, and it’s showing in my actions. Needing to jot these mental notes down, it relieves stress off the chest taking anxiety from my doorstep. 

Don’t like letting go and it’s really making me frustrated that I have too. Keep seeing the same narrative in talk, on screen, in the Holy Spirit everything keeps screaming; “LET PEOPLE GO!” I’ve only been good at letting people leave when they’ve not left an impression on my soul. You may be confused by my actions, they seem to make you think it was easy severing ties when really my mind is still closely linked. No more breaking of the heart, there’s nothing left but dust and debris. I don’t ever really feel her for she’s in constant downward spirals. 

Not feeling well I really want to be mad at someone, anyone, too scared to say I’m upset with God. I just don’t like how things have to be a certain way, conviction of the spirit I really have to take this to His feet. An overwhelming sorrow masked as irritation, have you ever felt like the main issue with life is yourself? That if I could hijack a healthy brain everything would just be mentally easier? Really I’m pissed off that I’ve not learned how to let go. I’m angry that I keep festering and I don’t know how to control my mind. Sometimes being here feels suffocating, like air is being sucked out the chest. 

Yea, sometimes I’d like to be a blank slate, not having an option or choice, free will is dangerous. Not understanding the purpose emotions and feelings have when I’m supposed to ignore them and walk by faith. Or maybe sometimes days feel weird and I just want to wallow in self pity until I crawl out my hole.