herlucidlife

I tried to pray but the words wouldn’t come out. I hope God understood my tears. The Holy Spirit speaking on my behalf, moaning my agony is heard by Father. How do I articulate the renumbing of my mind? How do I say I want to choke myself out sometimes? Just rings around the neck broken and snapped. I’m tired of myself. Not inflicting harm, emotional abuse can happen amongst the self. I don’t need anyone to beat me down, I’ve been flattened all on my own. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, the lack of food that’s got me feeling weighted with anchors. 

Days like this remind me that I’ve not moved too far in my emotional journey, some moments are more humbling than others. Not really knowing what I speak of I felt the irritation rise in ugliness at the first request of assistance at the workplace. Further growing in intensity as I read back my words, the uneasiness in my heart wanted to attach to something. I don’t know how to forgive and I don’t believe I’ve ever genuinely committed the act. 

Forgiveness isn’t simply saying the phrase then to ignore the problem hoping it dissolves. I tried… it doesn’t work. Perhaps it takes more elbow grease than that, perhaps forgiveness isn’t lazy but it’s hard work in that it takes alot for it to be sincerely felt in the heart. So infatuated with not dying, sometimes I think it wouldn’t be so bad. Speaking recklessly with honesty I’m so terrified by deep connection it makes living feel like that’s all that’s important. Have you ever been upset by how we’re called to get attached, to then disappear into the sky? I’d rather skip the middleman and just be present with the Lord. 

Wallowing, it gets dark in these nooks sometimes. It’s just simply confusion and irritation rearing its ugly head. Trying to find gratitude I’m feeling a weird tugging at my spirit. Have I gone too far in my honesty with Jesus? For some reason I couldn’t pray it yet You seem to be speaking through little pecks on the screen. This isn’t me writing, an out of body experience I’m watching on the wall like a fly. Tongue tied, I won’t even remind myself of God’s promises. He loves me…I love Him, yet some days I can’t even bring myself to utter His name because the swelling in my spiritual tongue chokes the praise out of my voice. 

Please pray for me Jesus standing in the gaps. Lover of Jesus, You understand how some days feelings get in the way of faith. Some days, emotions cloud sound judgment, having sufficient grace renewed every single day I need more today. Not well, don’t throw me away like the world says to do. I don’t trust ideologies on this side, some things I just don’t believe are sent by You. Or maybe that’s me not wanting to see Truth.