herlucidlife

Sometimes I question if I’m worthy of love, like I’ve messed up every opportunity to be loyal, to do right by someone. Why would Father send a man my way to be dropped on the face? Unfaithful in the past more than once, looking through screens most people think once a liar always a liar. Can’t I not be redeemed? Can’t I not have a second chance in the midst of your trust issues? I’ve got to stop scrolling because honestly sometimes I think people have no clue what they speak, no clue the detriment they spew when uttering in absolute terms.

Anger rising in my spirit maybe because I to questioned the same thing about myself, who would want a cheater? I wouldn’t want that, so who would want me? Can’t be upset by those who never had the opportunity to step out of line, yet judge so harshly the ones who fell flat on their face whether on purpose or not. Not looking for sympathy I have pity parties on my own schedule. Feeling morally ugly, I know we all have struggles yet some like to act a little more holier than thou. I often have to remember, though I did not commit every sin I’m no better than the next because that specific barricade didn’t trip me up. 

I purposely look past people’s opinions because most are rooted in the hurt they’ve experienced and it’s simply a rotting of the insides which is clearly evident. Taking things really too seriously, too personally, it’s funny because why wouldn’t things be taken personal when the world comes for the being everyday? Told to ignore the mental attack some days I really have an issue with those who speak out of turn. As if progress looks the same for every person. Interesting how those condemning others for lying and cheating are those who are alcoholics of the flesh pouring into vessels that are hidden from the naked eye. 

Really we should all be quiet because none are clean, all dirty in the same form, all sin is created equal in the eyes of God. Can you tell I’m upset? Upset with the narrative being pushed that some just aren’t able to change. Unsettled by my actions that make me question my own willingness to simply do right. Yea…a chord was struck and my guy the narrative is a lie. It’s a lie to think others can’t change because you don’t want to give them the grace to do so. It’s out of line to hold an iron to someone when really we’ve all done things so questionable Jesus had to die on the cross. Having little capacity for grace, true change only comes from Him. 

Really I’m speaking to myself no one in particular because I have to get off my heightened horse to see I’m standing flat footed with all the other humans wailing for something better than this worldly earth. Venting in true form, don’t mind me it’s just become blatantly obvious we all including myself need to give way more compassion than is humanly possible. We say yet very few truly live by these words. I’m hard on folks, true enough yes, mama always said I needed to calm down two notches.