herlucidlife

Have you ever felt things needed to come out but the timing was wrong? I wrote some things and I hope you don’t take them too seriously, really need you to be normal. Don’t question me about what you read, matter fact act like you didn’t see anything because conversations don’t need to happen. I question if I’m sabotaging wholesome relationships because destruction sees I’m on the right track. Keep thinking do I throw wrenches into my life on purpose, like what in me would say “oh yea I think I’m intentionally tripping for another friend?”

Is delusion setting in so tough I just have to repeat the same mistake like come on guy the mind can not be that emotionally unstable. Not sure if I should post it, something in me must be okay with the language because it’ll be visible before this one. Is my heart to open for friends of the opposite gender? When do I know when there’s an issue or am I blind to the pitfalls in my foggy membrane? I really love you but I don’t love you, read between the lines for a true sense of honesty. Don’t take it seriously my love is so fickle she could drop dead tomorrow and be laughing in two minutes.

Is it okay to say I hate myself for feeling this way? I know hatred isn’t birth from Jesus really, I’m too hard on myself and honestly don’t understand the thought process I sleep with every night.  I’ve never believed the saying, “if it could’ve happened then it would’ve happened” when it comes to love. God is love, controlling everything love so wouldn’t He turn my heart to you at the correct time? For no other time was appropriate until now, yet I’ve felt a small tug since knowing you that’s only gotten stronger and believe me it’s not my doing. 

Conflicted not in my soul but in my tongue, confession will not spill out. Perhaps the spirit is keeping my mouth sewn tight or is it fear of losing someone special, you? Willful confusion in my midst, everything is screaming. I know it to be so. Have you ever chosen murky when God was clearly speaking in all His forms? Still learning His vocal pattern sometimes I have a small voice in the back of my head saying, “no that’s not Him, that’s a thing trying to impersonate the being you trust the most.” Really the question is who is speaking and am I listening enough to act or be still?

Though not acting, speaking through my passion is enough to raise eyebrows, specifically my own. Power of suggestion has strength, growing stronger over the years. The voice of that one past boyfriend is ringing in my ears tough. He knew, he giggled while sitting across the table from me at the Mexican restaurant when I spoke your name. Almost to hint he still knew because you were here and he was there, long gone from the spot he so badly wanted to keep. You’d kept your place in my life, genuine to the core, authentic oozing out of every pore. It’s a wonder you’ve not evaporated from the lightness that exudes from your being. Though life is heavy the spirit is weightless through Jesus alone. 

Funny how the spirit of the unknown allows love to hold on a lot longer than needed, as when things are brought to the surface it becomes simple to let go. Accepting whatever happens honestly I’m just grateful to be alive breathing properly the way He made my body to do so.