herlucidlife

I enjoy every moment of being in your presence. Am I too vulnerable to talk the way we do? Sometimes I think yes, other times it feels like water to my air needing every bit. You’d never know how much you brought revitalization to my life. Sent by divine ordination I’ll not fight the feeling honey. Don’t feel pressured, no one is in a hurry and perhaps these emotions could fade, we’ll see in a month’s time. Truly believing real affection never fades, I’m excited to see where my heart lands. Not searching for anyone, this is taking me by surprise too, well not really I’ve slightly always sensed this way, non verbal auras speak before voices do. 

Couldn’t slumber last night. I asked for clarity on you through dreams and instead saw everyone else but you. Saw my dear afro buddy, saw the toxic ex-friend who snuffed out pieces of my emotional psyche, the heart. Perhaps my prayers were answered because clearly some sentimental baggage needs to be discharged before being able to accept anyone else. How do I clean out the closet when I have no clue how to use a broom? You may think my focus is all over the place, it’s always been fragmented from birth the mind has never been on one goal. Slightly going through life unhinged friends can attest I’m a little wackier than most. Sheltered under a seemingly quiet voice I speak in my own time and language. 

Toxic. Visions of you had always been super murky until now, having gained a more distinct view it’s so evident you loved the physical glory your body brought more than heartfelt connection from a companion. The body will fade but the love you threw away may not ever be what it was before, who knows who will be around for the party perhaps my ticket won’t be called. Given the grace to change by letting go, subconscious minds like to think I miss you terribly still. But why? When we had already gone years without conversing, evidently the connection wasn’t that special because it was sitting on a shelf left to be trampled on by the masses…you and I. Flag on the play, I like to take responsibility for my actions even if your position out weighed mine, the ball was dropped on both ends. 

Brother brought a voice of reason, soothing my calloused heart for a moment, it doesn’t stop the mind from peaking at the past. Almost thought to google you but why search for beings who aren’t searching for me? Thankful for times when sound judgment checks back in, obviously Father is keeping me off the ledge because I was ready to jump a couple times. Unnerved, I’d literally shoot life if it meant not caring about you anymore. Perhaps that’s why I’ll never be ready for anyone else, it’ll take my whole life to expel the past. I know it doesn’t exist anymore yet ghosts follow me around everyday letting me know that it’s still haunting. Thinking I should let go of feelings brewing for my brother, I’m ill equipped for the road ahead, my past is ugly feces written on the wall screaming, “JUMP BACK! She’s dangerous.”

How’d I get here? How’d I stray so far into left field even companions are looking like aliens. I’ve never met this version of me before, she’s a little different in that she likes to wallow in hurt a little too long. Yet she seems to have strength from Higher Places, allowing her to build on top of broken things. Loving life, each day brings joy unspeakable even the valleys have seen the Son on my face. Possibly dramatic, simply I don’t like when feelings fester after the person has been expelled from my presence. Essentially these feelings are a waste of time because they have someone else’s name on them and can’t be recycled or reused. Studying you through screens I’ve seen more of you with my spiritual eye than my naked eye, seems your bruises looked similar to mine but somewhere I missed the mark. 

Oh well, like they say, “I’ll get over it…” hopefully.