herlucidlife

Let’s make it plain for the folks in the back. I have feelings festering for my dear brother I don’t understand. I’ve not asked for the correct clarity because I’m scared of what God may say. Hiding in the depth of my confusion and ultimate neglect of the truth it has fostered a home for crossness. Sitting in the garage, allowing the autobody guys to refill oils in the vehicle changing out muck, I questioned if I should leave you alone or rather ask you to leave me alone. Yet, as the day went on God shifted my mind back to Him I realized how God is trying to clean out the yuck that’s clinged to my bones for so long it’s second nature. 

Have you ever shied away from God’s divine cleansing? Allowing Him to prune every tree branch in my midst, it’s not easy sitting still things are being broken, things I’d held close. Glad when I look and feel prettier than before I shouldn’t put on a hat of judgment or vanity as His Kindness wiped me brand new. I remember life before without you and I’ve longed for a friend like you, more than friend really kinship at it’s finest. Father, I’m asking You show me clearness on my brother. I pray You lead me in the correct steps and speech towards this human vessel of spirit. Please allow for the Holy Spirit to speak on my behalf for I never truly pray correctly. 

Divine intercession I need Jesus to speak lucidity, wisdom and understanding over my mind. Opening eyes enabling the view to be crystal. Not wanting to be out of turn, I’ve come across as crass in the past. Loving in nature You’ve given me the ability to see things in subtle movement and speech some would miss or was he being blatantly obvious and I was playing dense for fear of not ruffling any feathers? Tense conversations I dislike, having too many to count in my marriage I shy away from confrontation really it’s tiring. Not expecting fits more so it’s an awkward uncomfortability that’s put it’s grasp around my neck squeezing the life out my voice. I’d rather be silent until I figure out the aura in my own energy, she’s wailing from being misunderstood meaning care has been lacking from the owner…me.

Have you ever felt an emotion so off key it made you question if you knew yourself? Have you wondered if you ever knew yourself? Or was it a figment of imagination that didn’t reflect reality. I’m not sure anymore about myself, I know Who’s holding me and He’s good in all forms, so surely I’m okay too. Still sometimes knowing I’m okay doesn’t translate to the mind or the emotions feeling misconceived. Belly full of nourishment I have absolutely nothing to complain about and Father I won’t complain for the blessings raining down are out of my control. Compassion, sufficient grace overflowing. I was choosing to shift my perspective in the wrong direction. Letting go of how I feel about you, there’s nothing to hold onto as God isn’t directing me to your doorstep. 

Have I considered maybe Satan is using my vulnerability to distract me from the task at hand. Perhaps he is using the brokenness I feel to destroy something pure and true. Just maybe I’m not crazy yet my own being can be used as a weapon sometimes.