herlucidlife

Missing companionship, physical intimacy hasn’t been on my ledge in a while…well not the soul feeding kind anyway. Loving being alone in my personal space I control the decisions I make without the impulse of another person possibly straying me from Goodness. To do good, to simply do right is an overlooked way of living, not needing to be in the spotlight being tucked away is the optimal pleasure. Sometimes thinking I miss love, really I don’t, not at this moment perhaps gifts God has given me is filling the void of warm shoulders on mine. Only human, I wonder if I’ll ever want another in my midst the way he was? Will I ever want to be so attached to someone they’d call me wife? Deep in my bones I don’t think I’m cut out for that lifestyle.

Is marriage a calling or simply just the next step in the game of finding someone? To hitch to another, impacting each other’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing past physical really it’s almost like raising a child. Influencing another’s spiritual growth is too much of a requirement to handle. Truly wanting love deep down, frankly if God never brought him would I be okay? With Him and me alone? Not looking into the future, I’m simply expelling the most intimate thoughts of the heart. I’ve not learned how to be myself without being altered by another being. 

Not evenly yoked, their sin will exacerbate the sin I’m trying to kill. Putting a bad taste in my mouth I’ve never encountered a romantic love that didn’t turn me into something I’d rather leave on the curb for garbage pick up. Finally trusting God with my love life, not searching the web database for folks who look like Your image yet don’t possess Your spirit. Doomed from the start neither of us would’ve made it, perspective already not seeing eye to eye it wouldn’t work. It never worked in the past. Wanting to be wanted honestly, I just have questions though I doubt they’re helpful having a hard time seeing past the overwhelming sense of smothering. Is there anyone out there who wouldn’t make being with them feel like prison on high alert? 

Talking in circles, speaking over myself in random words perhaps it’s why some have stopped reading, the material is redundant and bland. Nothing fresh, I go over the same ugly truths in my head till it hurts and gets tired of the rat race. Never winning, I’ve already won the greatest gift of all through salvation…really what’s the issue? Not finding love on this side when it’s not the end goal, if it’s not spreading the gospel then even love is in the way of the ultimate plan. Beings attached to other beings is purposeless if none are speaking of the goodness of God in a way that’s tangible for the soul to be saved. Not all there, I’ve missed the mark so absolute I’m stepping on my own toes by saying these words. I’ve wasted precious time looking at the face of others instead of looking for His face. 

Don’t mind me, look away you’re witnessing a person unraveling the thread of their psyche that’s been engulfed in the flames of this world. Let me release a little longer, I still have way too much on my chest.