herlucidlife

Dreams say I miss heat from a body. Hallucinations whisper I want contact upon contact from the other sex. Fantasies scream something has been suppressed for abstinence from the physical world to be more pleasing in God’s sight. Hating how my mind wraps back around to the past when things in the present become mundane. Busying my hands, work isn’t intellectual enough to keep you off my mind. Really not wanting to rehash the past I won’t even share what random thoughts have crossed my path because they don’t matter. In the grand scheme your motives were impure leaving bruises on my skin, you didn’t mean well. 

Conviction of the heart, I can’t judge harshly for I’m no better than you. Intent never met the purpose, which was to love you while expelling him unfortunate both got hurt in the process. Adjusting to life without you, I kept thinking my anxiety would leave when you left but something in my chest still doesn’t feel right. Finding myself stressing more than usual, I shouldn’t when Father has already brought me through death’s shadow. Yea, it wouldn’t have been intentional but the auras being shared between you and I were lethal. Truly believing I would’ve died in your presence, it was too difficult to look past temptation when it was baked into the walls of our home. You wouldn’t dare leave them for my health, so I had to leave you for my well being. 

Truly seeing you had no problem with sketchy behavior as long as it benefited your wishes. Shunning my being, I wasn’t good enough for you to put down certain behaviors to make us both whole. Separately wholey, I see how our sins hooked us together for the wrong reasons. Love was never involved and there’s nothing you could say or do to make me believe otherwise. Learning to love someone is force feeding affection down the throat hoping it materializes into action. Too bad even the action is coerced and severely unsustainable. Loving to behave is work, the world likes to leave out the basic fundamentals of working alongside someone truly for the betterment of them and they for the betterment of you. Two full wells pouring into each other through the source of Jesus never run dry. 

From experience of the wacky relationships I’ve entangled, not professing to know much at all definitely it’s been shown what love is not. Wanting to believe I gave my all, having a hard time accepting maybe every person shouldn’t receive everything for what would I give my forever spouse if it was trashed on by those with earthly motives. Sounding pretty judgy it’s baked in like chocolate in my skin cells. Progression doesn’t always mean you’ll feel better about the past, it doesn’t mean it’ll be forgotten though time makes sure it’s further behind. Tears wanting to well up, knowing I’m in an improved state, progress simply means I’m sufficiently equipped to drop the emotions that haven’t healed on Jesus’ throne. 

Wanting the puss of your memory to squeeze out enabling healing of the wound, is that too graphic? So is the swelling of my heart that still feels your shoe on its neck, it hasn’t quite released good yet. Some losses hurt more than others, some rehabilitate quicker than others, sometimes I think does a little pain always stay? Knowing the aortic valve is fragile, please don’t try to convince me that it’ll change over time. I already know all the things to say but they’re null and void when sitting crossed legged with burns…her name is me. Nice reassurance doesn’t take anything away, it simply exacerbates the feeling of my intellect being insulted. Just let me jot down some things, discharge some things whatever they may be. You simply reading these words is healing enough for my end to see the light at the end of the tunnel…so Thank You for being a part of my healing, reader.