herlucidlife

Would he stay close to me on your behalf? Would our dear friend come to my corner to possibly trickle information into your ear? Parts of me think yes if he thought it were helpful, what good would it do if I don’t trust you? What’s the point in keeping tabs on someone when you’ll most likely never be in their life again? Take never very loosely as maybe God has that bridge crossing in the future but I don’t know. Not wanting to say I desire you, I can’t even fully articulate what’s going on in my mind. Feeling plagued is the closest sense I gain from your imaginary presence, locusts of the heart, you swirl around until feelings of engulfment fragment my psyche. Then I come to and think Jesus, can we walk a little faster through this course? I don’t like it here. Not moving time any quicker He keeps walking me through surely He knows it’ll end soon, trusting Him even with quicksand under my feet…I haven’t been sucked under. Though dark forces would like me to think so. 

I believe you understand what I’m experiencing yet it didn’t stop you from behaving the exact way you detested for so long. Worrying about the opposite being doing you wrong, honestly it was the best teacher for you to do the same to another. Never having a clue you were picking up the wrong material, I tried to tell you but guess you couldn’t accept the truth but evidence is in the absence I gave you and the broken heart you’ll never see. I keep saying never, is that a hint from Father holding my hand tightly? I pray so, only feeling safe with Him anyway. Not usually an emotional eater tonight I’m giving grace to just be. Nourishment at the correct level can make for a better outlook, other times it’s just in the way of affect healing. Losing my train of thought it didn’t take long to get back to that little sunken hole with your name on it…J.

I allow voices of those closest to me to interrupt the flow God has already spoken, somehow thinking because we are kin I need to take your advice or I’m doing you a favor by behaving in the way you think I should. Truly believing God speaks through others, so does the fallen angel. My gut was groaning hearing some of the suggestions you had, unsettled in my spirit. I began to pray and research your methods. Coming back to the place God had placed me, He used my spiritual intuition and hard facts to gauge what was spoken, at the end of it all it was clearly evident I was exactly where God wanted me. Precisely using the tools He gave me. My spirit was only bothered when you started speaking, funny how He never told me I was doing anything wrong yet trying to fit into your mold disturbed Him so my chest began skipping beats. 

Burden on the body and mind, He shared I don’t need to use others’ methods of getting by because He’s planted something in me needing different avenues. Nothing wrong in your ways yet if they were sent from the Father for my path they would fit perfectly together like puzzle pieces, speaking from experience your voice is not the final say in the production of my company. Wearing different shoes, filling unalike goals my road should not mimic yours because it wasn’t tailored to my needs. My Father, My God you speak so fluently through my being it has no choice but to shift and obey. Thank you for directing me back to where You’d had me for it was the peace of mind and correctness I almost allowed to be tainted by those who mean well but don’t know Your plan for me. 

Detailed to perfection please keep my ears from feeling flustered when hearing information I know I won’t use because it’s vividly not from You.