herlucidlife

Emotions are processing faster than time is moving and I like it. A year has been stuffed into six months, a completely different person inhabits this body now. A new energy, a new spirit, a rebirthing happened in the midst of death. Demise woke up intention. Expiration date on the things of the old life I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I still get peeved when I think of all the help you could’ve given but decided not too. Always throwing in my face, “it’s your world I’m just living in it.” You couldn’t see I was dying away trying to adopt your lifestyle while you trashed and judged mine. 

Lack of understanding is inflamed when unwillingness to learn is in its company. Looking at the soil and dust running off my vehicle it tickled my heart how it hadn’t been washed but once since receiving it nine months ago. While overlooking mine to wash yours but since you were upset with me for whatever reason that doesn’t matter now, seemed too easy to take count. Score keeper of the relationship it’s now something I’ve adopted long after it’s been over, looking over what’s been done. You have no idea how ecstatic I am to be far away from you and the essence being brought. 

May sound harsh but those in the back know how draining it is to attach yourself to someone that’s not equipped to handle the responsibility they’re wanting to hold. Angry with myself for staying way past the arrival time, upset because I blame myself for the actions committed. I was never strong enough to have a lifestyle of sin being tempted everyday while you say, “just don’t do it, just look away.” While you coerce me into doing the very weed filled thing my evil desires were swirling. Night and day changes. I’m in awe of how Jesus showed me so much gratitude in the midst of my sinfulness. Never told to marry you I could feel Jesus leading me out of entanglement with you long before I decided to make a commitment out of fear. 

Instead of telling you to leave my home because I never wanted to live with you, everything was forced down to me saying I do. I led myself down this road, Father worked it out for our goodness not allowing us to be overtaken. Though marriage is birthed from God, everything He does is correct and in order. Our lives were out of order, reckless, and sin filled. Nothing brought me to your doorstep but loneliness and marijuana intake. Keeping it plan, let’s make it simple for those up front…I married the plug, knowing it would keep me next to the idol I wanted to have in my life until I didn’t anymore. I didn’t know it was an icon until I felt my life becoming dangerously hindered. 

It’s not nice, it’s not godly. I own my wrongdoing because we both hold responsibility for hurting the other. Hurting in the midst and after the fact, seems perhaps we are better off as nothing at all. I don’t know how you’re doing now, we don’t talk and though there’s a twinge of guilt still, I prefer it to be that way. Learning all too well, can’t go back to being companions after being more than lovers.