herlucidlife

Solidifying I should be exactly where I am, I think of the other guy a little too much. Preferring to ponder over him because the heart was always there, never in your hands. You were dealt bad cards from the start, I was in the game playing harder than I ever thought possible. You could tell I was bruised, hiding things from you, swept under the rug giving fake love. Remorse for how I treated you I’ll never commit the act again. Not wanting to be in your life, honestly I’m nothing special just bones and flesh messing up on a daily, some wrongs go unaware. Head in the past every now and then it feels like I’ve moved closer to the other side until I feel hurt for what happened. I don’t regret leaving, rather I regret entry. Entry into a life that wasn’t blessed by God, though covered by His favor. No need to harp for too long, I’m sure you’re better without me too.

Some days I think, has he driven past the house? I’ve not pasted by yours so clearly you’ve forgotten about me too right? My mind likes to revisit anguish from the past. She dreams up things so vivid it allows me clarity into your intentions. Funny how the one I laid next to for three years only crossed my dreams five times while you crossed my path more times than I could count. It was never about me, wanting attention you gave me what I wanted until you were full. Leaving an image of love on the curb for something even more less than…spotlight. Nothing was ever pure, corrupt from the start. I was looking for Love from God through vessels who didn’t even know how to spell His name. 

It keeps dawning on me that I meant nothing to either of you, either I was an attention giver or a slave to someone who wanted comfort with no work. No skin in the game, you hurt yourself in the end. Work ethic out the tail, I’ve always given more than my share for those I loved even if the affection was confused. Being truthful at the end, nothing surprised you slipping into oblivion, I like it here. It’s peaceful, no drama, no boys crying wolf, your love was wrapped in sheepskin. Phony, I too could see I was the award winning actress for lover and friend trying to hide behind my own face until she cracked, revealing my cards. 

Good!  I didn’t like living in secret anyway, now I can act and feel the way I need without ridicule, without shame. You weren’t perfect though you liked to act like it, bragging to your family and friends about married life while it shattered right in your face. It was never whole to begin with but you knew that. Hoping the jig would last longer than it did, I’m glad it ended sooner. You may hate me and I understand if so, yet all I carry in my heart for you is compassion because I never saw you as an enemy but just simply a guy who didn’t know what he was doing. Didn’t want to know either and that’s okay because I knew, so I moved from around you in order to give you the needed space to figure out life without me.