herlucidlife

I like to use letters to differentiate between who holds my attention just in case you read. J, every time you cross my mind I remind myself you don’t care about me. I reminisce on the times when you felt genuine, until I have to blot out that memory and fill it with the cold stare you gave me when I poured out my soul. I keep wanting to fall back into the mental state of infatuation but nothing exists anymore, just karma she breathes well and full gasps of air. I’m not chasing you, deep emotions keep me at bay, they aren’t your responsibility. I’m tired of you and him in my head, need to be paying rent for how much space you occupy.  

Moving quickly, tenderness has matured quicker than I’d expected. The healing resources Father gave me are working, thank You God for granting healthy avenues that aid in rejuvination. Feelings are beginning to subside for my brother, I’m way too vulnerable for the thoughts at play. I spent all day looking for you. I used every membrane to think of how to obtain you. Not human in form, something about this substance pulls me back every now and then. Thinking I have it under control, I’m praying this time I do. Most would say to calm down as stressing makes the effect even worse. 

Unblocking someone from my past to obtain the thing I wanted, I feel dirty, unholy. So cold to knock on your door not even looking for you but for a contact. Under the table, done in secret, I’m blowing my own cover. Never should never be in my vocabulary because I have no clue the emotions that could pop up, reeling me back into its grasp. I speak like it’s a person, no, just an herb I like to call upon every now and then when life feels boring. Not having much on my plate these past days, it seemed it was the perfect recipe for the mind to wander about, roaming into places perhaps it shouldn’t have been. 

No more was left for tonight having to wait till later, I’m hoping she changes her mind before nightfall, I doubt it’ll happen. Spasms creeping up the back slowly, moving in slow motion I feel the heaviness of the body as it does what it should every month. Simply wanting to sink into the floor with aromatic vapors pulling me into lulls, some things feel sweet after time away. Not wanting to make a habit out of an old ritual from months down the line. I’m in a better place now, getting healthier by the day I shouldn’t do anything to derail the course. I’ll be stronger than before so much riding on my shoulders and I will not be my own downfall. I’ll not allow it or has it already begun and I’m speaking in vain? 

Not defeated, I won’t speak as such. Giving too much power away really I hold the cards, controlling what is being done in my fingers. I can tell myself no if I really wanted to, couldn’t I? Yes! I can! I will, I have too for me and mine, for this body feeling pretty good and definitely blessed. Let’s keep going down this road of recovery, even a couple hiccups are normal for those that are always in sync.