herlucidlife

L. I almost didn’t think you would text back, yet you acted as though I would have in your position. Not mean in spirit you were just unprepared for the road you thought you wanted with me. Tapping at your window seal, not to check in but to ask for a number. Not looking for you to be well though I pray you are, that wasn’t my reason for appearing so abruptly in your message log. I’m hoping my punctuation did no harm, hoping you’ve forgotten I even appeared. I’ve slightly forgotten about you when really you sit in the back of my mind. I never really understand why you’ve stayed in my brain for so long. I call him guilt. 

Embodying every ounce of relational hurt, I don’t like looking at you because it’s too real, do you have the same issue? Or is she labeled hatred? You could be but I can’t speak for you, I have no clue how you feel and the absence I enforced shows perhaps I don’t care. Not true yet I won’t blame you if you think that way. Have you ever felt you couldn’t be at your full potential with a  certain someone by your side? You were that person for me, not internalizing how you could hold me back. Sometimes I wonder if I needed you to be the scapegoat for my lack of self-control. Not seeming to stay away for too long, perhaps I gave myself more credit than I thought. 

Not having this strong of a temptation in the past, I’d never experienced this lifestyle until several years ago. I’m rambling long story short, I like to puff trees and occasionally I will fall for the branch. Living in a holy temple sometimes she intakes things that are less than what she was created for. Not always behaving saintly, can the heart be in the right place even though the action misses the mark? I don’t know. Having a lifestyle of sin and committing a sin are two different things. I always felt like this was my most potent offense, though I’ve committed some with more power, though they’re all equal in His Eyes. Don’t pay too close attention to what I say, you’re witnessing someone learning who she is in God. 

Perhaps when I’ve finished the lesson certain things will not tempt me again. How do you know when particular temptations have gone to the wayside? Or do they stay till the end of time laying dormant until needing the correct environment to brighten up?