herlucidlife

J boy, I have been thinking about you. I can’t get you off my mind. A little beside myself, I just feel sad about you. Past emotions coming back around for a second show. Not seeing who I think, most people look different in person. You don’t possess what I’m envisioning. My head sees you in every word in morning AM station. My brain still wants to twinkle around scenarios with you and I. Wanting to regurgitate you from my system, your memory has clung to more than I anticipated. Confessing strong vocabulary toward you is difficult. Thinking I’m stupid for feeling this way, it doesn’t feel worth while to describe what’s occurring. 

I seem super enthralled in my “feelings” this evening. They don’t match facts, not mimicking true life. I can’t keep thinking like it didn’t happen. Moving through emotions, internalizing every scrape and bump, they look better than what they feel. Gussied up in a small frame, can other people tell I’m not well inside? Hiding underneath the surface, I’m okay not as hindering as it sounds, it’s coming along alright. Enjoying time, life is quiet and to the point of creation. If it’s not you then who else is there? Dramatic?…Perhaps. Can’t let go just because I feel wronged. My cerebrum doesn’t remember the inconsistency, it just remembers you, and I liked you. 

She knows what she felt and it was never spoiled until the tables turned. Why didn’t you tell me what happened? Two point oh, sitting on the bathroom floor yea I’ve been in contact with floating things. So new to this again, seems it’s bringing emotions around for more perusing. I considered unbarricading my door but senses came back into play. Trying too hard to be alright with whatever is occurring. Sentiments not correlating with data, they’re my biggest enemy. I took a break from thinking about you for a month, it didn’t last long before my intellect missed the stench of your presence. Bittersweet, it’s really the unknown that makes it so hard. Was it really difficult to say something true? Like I had too, couldn’t you have just told me something? Anything? Have you ever wanted someone so badly as a friend it broke your heart to only have them as nothing? 

Why did we let it get hormonal? It was perfectly platonic. My memory doesn’t remember who I’m supposed to be loving. When I think back I see this cool dope guy kind in every way exuding compassion. I could actually see some of His light in you but it got stomped out. By other boots not housed in my closet why did you have to look at me as an enemy? As if I allowed my affection to get in the way, it hadn’t before. I blurred the lines hoping it would simply aid in truth being shared when it cut everything off…maybe that was the truth that it was over. Unspoken, I had you exactly how I wanted you, so why did I say anything? I would’ve never seen your true intentions if I’d not said anything about my emotional state towards you. 

Hidden, secrets things I was unaware of, funny how toxic people don’t want to be seen as such for they know it would push people away. I don’t like living in fog but with you it was like bliss, I miss it. Knowing life is about principalities and spiritual things, really this life has nothing to do with flesh and bone. Honestly, I’m upset with the entity that stole my friend away without notice. I’m angry at the spirit that shoved me aside because perhaps it saw more in me than you did. Goodness and darkness can be housed in the same body yet eventually someone has to become ruler over all. God has won over darkness so whatever is upon you has tricked you into thinking that’s all life is, ugly behavior. I get it, I behave in hideous ways too but that is not all there is.