herlucidlife

Sometimes I don’t want to focus on the powers at play, just wanting to sit in front of my mental television and flip through scenes of us once upon a time. Been in contact with the very thing allowing my mind to escape into forbidden lands. Speaking to you would be breath to my lungs, air to my oxygen, pulse to my heartbeat. Has someone ever held so much affection in your heart it didn’t matter the ugliness they carried? You were the correct subject to release my karmic relief. I hate muttering your name, it feels useless. Caring so much to the point of detriment, you don’t consider me, so why keep circling? 

Head tight from the substance that likes to keep you company. Puffing into morbid danger the chest doesn’t like it here, high-atus. You can’t help me and the Source feels out of grasp when I’m holding this other thing in my hand. Preoccupied the spirit is yearning thirsty for the Eternal One. Flesh thirsty for the temporary one, I don’t look for others because they aren’t you. Didn’t have to do anything you were already likable, it was simple to fall on accident into your lap. Unfortunately my affection wasn’t created on purpose, for I’d take it away intentionally if it worked like that. If the audience doesn’t mind I just want to gaze at the image of you in my head for one more moment, can we make it forever please?

Crazy, irrational, illogical, human. Bone to bone, strength never inhabited this body, just grace overflowing from God, I don’t own it. I thought so many times to leave the door open for you, but then I’d put the phone down and think, “what’s the use?” Everyday I knew I wasn’t checked on, hurt worse and more than before, you know how that feels right? Most people behave like the very thing they detest the most. Ugly behavior is easy to pick up because we all house the same trend, some are just a little more dormant than others. False promises had been fed to me, then I forced them to another shattering hearts just like mine had been. Shielding myself from the truth of you not looking for me, I had to leave you on the blocked list. Protecting sanity doesn’t always mean availability is accessible. 

Always a big advocate of cutting off limbs that hold toxic behavior and ugly sentiments, perhaps you’re no different. Everyday with you not in my presence is like okay, “how much longer can I hold the door shut?” How much longer can I go with you thinking you’ve been shunned? Trying to go for a personal best, the road is becoming weary. So yea, maybe one day this affection will explode into dust. Just know nothing has changed, the doors are still locked and loaded with dynamite for the correct time. Needing to take a step back for clarity, for the letting go of old things allows the hand to be free for new and greater things. I wasn’t ready for anything because you held so much attention, even till this day your imaginary being sucks the life out of my brain every now and then.

Thankfully I’m getting better and you know, I’m thinking perhaps you are too.