herlucidlife

Self inflicted torture. Torment given by self. Maltreatment produced by my own wellness. Nothing takes away your memory; no smoke, no drink, no amount of fun times rolling high, no good times with family and friends all simply a distraction until I get home slunk back to the floor because you hid in the back, noticed but untouched. Needing to focus I purposely shove you to the side. It’s not working. Ignoring isn’t working. Creating isn’t helping. Manifesting a life seen highly in Father’s eyes, I apologize God why isn’t it working? Time seems to be moving yet my emotions seem stuck on the first day of conception for you. I know I’m in a rush, I either want to come together or forget quickly either way I never want a person to leave a stain on my chest the way you have. 

I won’t buy it, I can’t wrap my head around you being so frigid. Feelings, emotions, deepest sentiments of the heart, gut intuition none of it is folding. Rational and logical views are shouting “LET IT GO.” Everything is saying no not yet, there’s a person in there needing some help but really I’m just in love with a guy who’d rather play games, secretly hiding true feelings in order to be available for the horde of women supposedly coming to bust his door down in twenty seconds…I’m sorry they aren’t coming. Nothing better is coming around the corner, we are all the same amount of worse, but who can you handle is the question?  

Pitiful. Poignant in my soul. I look down on myself with disturbing heartbreak, full of regret for caring about you it feels…I feel stupid. Utterly and genuinely foolish, egg on my face, the jokes on me, butt of the joke…mmm I don’t want to believe but I’ll have too, right? Any disbelief is extra hurt for me, I only think of you anyhow because I can’t receive you any other way. Keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, what if it doesn’t? Why am I waiting for you? Because you suggested something  knowing fully it would stick in my head. I don’t play games, so you had me hooked clearly you knew all the cues, naive in that respect you got me good.

Caring less, sleeping good, nothing has been taken or added to your life by crushing mine. Still in the same damaged place as before, one day you’ll wake up sore and bruised from the havoc wreaked from your hand. You won’t like yourself or maybe you will, accepting the cold sadistic heart you have, given over to a  dark mind long ago, nothing can penetrate what you don’t allow in. I’m upset, really pissed off at you, at myself. You could have been avoided. I didn’t have to reach out just to say hi, but something inside always told me too…so I did. Crumbs in the field, I don’t know why it all began, something in the water was shivering that day, perhaps it needed a warm emotional hug. You gave me that, I gave you mine. 

Now it’s done, cold, ugly and mangled. Unrecognizable to the people who once called it “friends with benefits.” I know you all too well, my gut is never wrong about those who’ve crossed my path. Hurt from hurting, it’s okay to be toxic we all are, yet not allowing it to burn others is the biggest responsibility. Me and you slacking on all ends, we got some cleaning up to do. I don’t want to write you off, I can’t, I won’t. Assuming the heart is on the same page I’ll be loving you a little longer until something shakes and emotions begin to fade.