herlucidlife

Can the mind be regained once it’s left the building? I really don’t want to go back over old information, yet that’s exactly what’s occurring. Weird thoughts entering coming and going, it’s really the inconsistent way you moved away when nothing had changed. Feeling the same for years you simply didn’t know, shifting was your knowledge. Being in the know brought something to the table you didn’t want to eat. Shoving your plate away, I was no longer appetizing to the soul. Senile just not getting the hint, it’ll take some years to develop a tolerance for your absence. Makes me think was any love shared worth it? Was the price of love lost equal to the cost? At the end of it all though sweet with aromatic embers, I’d rather not have known either of you. Not knowing is the bliss in not hurting, not missing, not pondering. It would be nice to not have experienced you, perhaps paradise would feel more attainable. 

Heaviness in the chest can only last for so long, itching to do something, anything to remove blockades. Stopping myself mid action, mental decay is wanting to take hold. I dislike it here yet so grateful for the experience, not taken for granted each path it took to get here. Don’t mistake, venting comes with gratitude housed in my bones. Looking for solid steps in my thinking, I almost made a misstep into the wrong direction just for something tangible. Going to bed in this mindset, looking for a reset I know tomorrow will not be so run over. Thankful for some kind of inner boundary, keeping her in check I didn’t step over the line into enemy territory. Please understand stepping into rooms doesn’t need to be announced just simply opening the entrance that you may come inside if chosen is enough harm. 

Not looking to cause collateral damage can’t come to you if you’re taken and heavenly bound. So I’ll wait for the shoe to drop on the one I really want in hopes my emotions for him get trampled into dust by the feet of feelings healing. I want my rebirth to kill the affection for you. I yearn for my soul to unhinge itself from your aura leaving memories in the trash. Forgetting who you are, needing a forever moment to breathe seeing you would be too soon in any lifetime. Don’t mistake my words for kindness they come from a place of confusion and ugliness. Believe when I say, never wanting to see you again tears my heart in two. I’d love to see you everyday every moment in time. I’d only want to see you if it were true. Not trusting you to bring truth, I can only trust myself to be exactly who I am in front of you when the time comes and maybe it’ll give you enough gall to be vulnerable. 

No breath being held, I’m waiting for you to come to the door. I’m waiting for me to move on in every possible way. J. I’m just waiting for whatever is supposed to happen to occur. Patiently seeking something unexpected it won’t come with me watching the door. Slow moving life doesn’t make the road better, maybe it’s my fault for not packing my day with enough activities to keep your voice quiet. Choosing to be free of you, I have to force my mind away until muscle memory is learned and she stops bringing you into corners. No promises made, I’ll have to do this for me only. Not wanting to but needing too. Strong armed in the windpipe, I will snuff you out if it’s the last thing I do.