herlucidlife

Instantaneous relief from urges of the flesh, she’s been winning lately. Saying I’ll get back on the wagon, figures on a screen posing for motion pictures made with a more salacious crowd in mind…I peep the viewing too often. Laying it out plain I don’t try as hard as I could. Constantly giving effort towards God’s direction, I don’t do my best. Actions on autopilot it’s an out of control state of mind, brain not running the show body on idle, who knows who’s really driving. Making myself do something I don’t want to do, lack of grip means I’m slipping into old ways. Regressing looking for release in dead petals knowing the jig is up and broken, sin doesn’t bring wholeness. 

Going through the reasons why I’m on this platform, looking at what others create it seems their vision is geared toward the lack people feel. Am I servicing the need people seek? So focused on the emotional baggage I carry, is it selfish to say sometimes I don’t want to see other’s needs, as what’s the point in seeing if you aren’t going to help? Knowing to assist or knowing to be nosey minding my business, I’ve slowed on writing, a little overwhelmed. A weirdness is creeping onto my shoulder, reflection peering back at me. My feelings for the portrait change fickle towards myself. No such thing as good or bad people, how much good or bad has to occur before someone is pushed to the other side? I’ve called some from my past bad, I regret that. We’ve all committed acts that could go in both categories, what made you reach out to me? Of all people, of all the friends who would die for you, of all the family who would twist necks for your well being.

Were they actors? Were they faking till they made it like me in my marriage? Sand not being solid always fails when needed the most because trauma brings out the truth in folks like liquid courage. Not wanting to be an option I don’t want to speak to you. We aren’t friends yet I couldn’t leave you there looking for kindness. Not the best person to come to, I don’t console folks well speech leaving the tongue perhaps silence makes my aura more appealing. I would love for everyone I come across to see me in white light, goodness oozing from every pore. It hurts to know some have seen only the darkness in me and will put me on the list of “bad” people to steer clear of. 

Can’t help but wonder if you hate me? It’s always one person disliking you that makes all the other likes feel poo cheese. Gratitude. No mistake, I know everyone won’t like me and everyone isn’t supposed to see me in uprightness, maybe some people are meant to witness me miss the mark. We’re all a lesson for or to someone, though ugly I hope you got the learners manual for missed opportunities to fine tune your life.