herlucidlife

Waiting for your call, I skipped Bible group. Used as an excuse really I just wanted to have a night on my bathroom floor. Timid to say “last time,” I feel in my bones determination to make this next go longer than before. Didn’t think about you much today and it was nice. Out of nowhere I noticed mm…I’m not feeling loved deprived anymore, moving toward feeling nothing. Not even indifferent noticeably neutral, it’s been too long and it only feels good to let go. Riding down the street allowing facts to sink in not having laid eyes on you in five years. Done with the foolishness, time to let it go. 

Second wave of emotions almost took me out. Surprised by the strength behind my affection, coming out on the other side feeling lighter. Grieving is a lifelong process, situations and circumstances constantly bringing new things to cry over yet isn’t that the beauty in being human. Mixed in with a lot of treasured times tossed with goodness from God, trials and light both come from Him. A little young for my taste, boy radiance knocking at my door. Met in holy sanctuaries from around the way, it’s an interesting turn of events. A meeting planned for future timing, I think I have a date? 

Shocking to type these words…I’d rather call it “a hang out session” in effort to slow my mind down. She likes to run sprints on treadmills at hyper speed, always ready to attack the next vision. Trapped in my head preventing me from writing out thoughts, digging up dust. I can’t wait. It’s unbelievable to have this feeling, this emotion…light in all forms. Excited for time together, a moment with this guy I’ve known for a while admiring from a distance. A small rendezvous in the past now four years later going at it perhaps for real this time. No bad blood, no horrific events from the beginning. Something new square one, walking in fresh territory I forgot how it felt to have someone like you and act on it. 

I got tired, burnt out almost. Wanting to do nothing at all but lay and think, sloth around doing the bar minimum activity. Let’s rest a bit. Fresh ideas have run dry, staring into space as I write brain fog stuck in the inner walls not too much seeps out these days. Every now and then I think I see the slippery slope I’m sliding down. The issue…behavioral well being is sub par. Whining, nothing to say, words sticking to the roof of my mouth won’t come out. Not sad, nothing to wail about. Peace, centered, grateful walking in blessings. I’m unbothered at the moment. Recognizing I can let go of everything I held against myself because God isn’t punishing me for His grace is showing love through being His child vehicled by salvation. 

I’m alright, well, and most importantly creating home within myself.