herlucidlife

Floating in my room I spent half the day curled in the fetal position in the middle of my bed, replaying the same couple of daydreams compounding on each other like foundation. I was waiting for myself to feel okay without my poison of choice. Lingering around for me to falter to the usual routine, I did. Getting to the evening, nightfall always brings emotions and pains the light washes away every morning. Stressing myself out, I’m the reason this skip in my heart won’t go away. I’m the cause for the flustered energy in my midst. Creation lacking, care still intact I hold my hand to the fire while keeping away ointment for healing. 

Hard on myself, chastisement doesn’t muster up change instead it’s built wet cement feeling stuck in an impossible cycle. Feet still they won’t go to the Healer, we’ve heard this before though correct? Worry doesn’t create development instead it fosters an overwhelming sense of failure creeping into the bones it houses stagnation where rot begins to form. You are my vice, my substance, a current addiction to your image. I cry when you leave, feeling my emotions scrambling when you exit, it’s an “up the wall” kind of skin crawling occurrence. Trying to shove the feeling off for some days wrestling with the inevitable, that sensation is always present at the end no matter what occurs in the day…I wasn’t able to shake it off for a couple days. Decided to restart the journey in three days when the vice has run out again.

It is so easy to fall into sin like slipping on a greased slide going straight down. To barricade, put in place boundaries. To stay away from at all cost, to plant firmly the discipline needed to abstain. Worse than lack I purposely almost subconsciously go into the rabbit whole when presented with the option. Clearly being able to walk back up the mountain, it would be nothing to keep momentum upward then to redo what had already been done. Guess, I decided on redoing the steps, is it worth it? For time with this guy who’s proving to be something special. The weight of sin, nothing is worth it, maybe this is one of those “Jesus died for but I didn’t know about yet” moments. I don’t like this feeling. Advantage has been taken against His goodness.

Intimate thoughts, nothing holy I don’t know what I want. Similar road, different terrain this one may have more consequences at the end. Cost of living is getting too high these days, keep going back and forth in my head knowing I’ve already laid my coin down. Every action is committed in the heart and mind before the body. Guilty in the chest yearning to commit this sin with you. Written on the wall I keep reading the same sentence with different words. Agreeing to let you in my space, can’t write for the mental runoff has not been focused lately, I’ve been lost in the clouds.