herlucidlife

Conviction came quick fast during worship. Overheard Ms. Vonda say “being a work in progress doesn’t excuse the sins I commit.” My God! Just because You are doing construction on me does not mean I should keep acting the same as my old self because I am not. A new creature was born when I accepted salvation through faith in God and Jesus Christ, really the question is am I going to recognize the new creature I am and operate as such? Or discard her and put on the old self that I’ve been acting like lately? But let’s sit and pretend like I’m not aware of the cycles so obvious to untrained eyes. 

Vice. First day under the belt, it’s the end of it and I’m thankful God got me through because I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster I put myself on when wanting to be stable in my convictions. Feeling lost time felt in abundance. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself when the substance was gone and my mind only wants to think of one person. I get attached too fast. Assuming every guy showing interest wants something real, it’s not always the case. Too soon to ask any questions of you, I’m still in the phase of questioning myself. Looking to you for your answers won’t help me conjure up my own, there’ll be a bias if asked too soon. 

Looking forward to our visit made it easier to let Maryjane go. Living isn’t enough to stop doing the thing causing death. Overwhelmed, full I’m unwell going from one obsession to another. Sucker fish looking to hook to the guy giving the correct vibe, still grappling with emotional baggage finally it’s becoming lighter. While the feelings I have for you get heavier. Not your doing it just doesn’t take much to have my affection enthralled with googly eyed vision. A sign I left no room for healing, still bleeding from the trauma of months past. Can you see something in me is off? Most people can’t tell, no one knows what signs to look for, not at their fault it’s me not looking for help when needed. 

Not looking for any now I wouldn’t know what it looks like to even ask for it, but I know I want you in the midst of it all. I like myself enough to admit that whatever is coming through the door, I’m not sure I’m ready for. Oddly, I don’t believe readiness comes from anything other than jumping in and readying yourself while doing that which you thought you weren’t ready for. No one is prepared for life yet it comes in full circles every single day. Waiting for heartbreak at the end of the tunnel, love either ends in death or wrong decisions but it only lasts forever when coming from God. So I’m waiting for every experience I’ve encountered to possibly come out of my being and kill any goodness in between us.

Delusional, can you tell? No pattern in my writing it’s all over the place like my mental. Not consistent, not planning out with fever like before I’m not sure what’s taking place, maybe life is settling and things are going forward. Past seems far away thank God, I never liked how it felt back there anyway. Full spilling over with guilt and regret, I’d never wish on my worst enemy what I’ve experienced. Good riddance.