herlucidlife

I apologize for my behavior in advance when I see you. I can’t guarantee I’ll be all there in the head. I like writing about the love that’s entangled my heart, nothing holds weight like a brewing romance at any stage, heart ties are special. Life or death in the words, “I love you” if marinated on for too long my mind will begin to believe and act as though love is in fact present. The power of suggestion to myself is far greater than any other voice. I don’t like the feeling of strongly liking someone to the point of jealousy. How do I teach myself to not touch every emotion so deeply? How do I demonstrate to my psyche the ability to not jump to conclusions based on the raw past I’ve experienced? 

I don’t throw you far because I’ve witnessed genuine people including myself do shiesty things behind closed doors. Folks are capable of anything. Putting nothing past anyone, roadblocks are shouting pointedly, “YOU’RE MOVING TOO FAST.” I think about you every second of the day and if I could I’d talk to you each moment. I thought you were infatuated with me like I am with you. It hurt to know you had the time to speak to me but didn’t take it till late. It bruised to think I was the last thing on your mind after everything had hit the fan. I don’t want to talk down to myself though I feel senseless for putting you on a pedestal, I know nothing about you. You owe me no debt.

Emotions welling up inside I felt like crying, nothing would come out. I felt ugly for feeling you so deeply, in the pit of my stomach I get this feeling of secrecy from you. Perhaps it’s the treasures I held in my marriage that are spilling over onto your face, I just don’t trust romance anymore. I don’t know how to not apply pressure to love. I don’t know how to not fall deeply head over heels, no slow button in my mind we’ve already jumped the broom. Crazy, right? No, that’s me in a nutshell when it comes to loving any man coming into my circle. Whether it be for the right reason or not, I will put every emotion into knowing and figuring out who is portraying to want to be near my skin. 

I pray you’re not playing a role hoping to get a constellation prize, I’m scared. I’m nervous of being trampled on like my ex-husband. I’m petrified at the notion of karma not being done with me just yet, perhaps I didn’t get the understanding of what true torture feels like. It could all be for funsies, laughs, jokes…I’m not laughing, I never was. True to the core, sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Damaged goods, I want you to want me but I don’t operate properly. You don’t owe me anything and everything I’m feeling is only my responsibility. I won’t bore you with the details because they aren’t for you, not my man honestly I’m not sure what to call you. 

Floating in no category you need a label but none seem to fit appears why my emotions are all over the place there’s no organization. I don’t like being in limbo but I don’t necessarily think anything other than what is occurring would feel natural. Forced, I apologize to the reader for you just witnessed me misplace my mind over a guy I’ve known for years yet have only encountered intimately one time. Second time coming around the bend shortly, I’ll let you know if my mind is still intact. As you can already attest…it is not. Goodnight.