herlucidlife

Sounding ungrateful after I read my words back, seems nothing is more special than someone wanting to speak to you after a long day, giving you any energy they had left because you also make sure to reach out each morning. Energy coming from your body language is so pure it made me question the severity in your nature. Looking for something realer than authentic it’s been years since someone came across my path that didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth and I in theirs. Nothing is more fascinating than true simplicity between two people looking for the same thing. 

I crossed his name out of my vision writing. I wrote you into my future through pain, sitting in agony it felt like I would never be rid of you. X’d out it only feels natural to never have you in my life again. I would be remiss if I didn’t admit I hope karma is making your face twist into anger, knowing your absence only propelled me forward further from you. Vengeful to say, you’re no longer thought of a million times a day you’ve been worked down to maybe twice a week if that. No longer resurfacing in my dreams, J you’re finally escaping my mind. 

Jotting this sentiment after running across your name on a piece of paper I’d like to burn but she contains other important dreams in mind. Immeasurable peace, please stay gone forever. I promise to do my part in making sure all the doors are closed ensuring absence is eternal. I received the wake up call I needed, it said “I don’t love nor respect myself.” If I did you’d never been allowed to come into my space, my temple to lay with me disrespecting what God has deemed good. I let you in knowing it was nothing more than flesh, ignoring every red flag for the emotions I carried for you which now have turned to dust. Sealing the deal you further showed your intent by not contacting me anymore. Sex no emotion. 

How could I be so ugly towards myself? How can I expect anyone to love me when I’ve treated myself like garbage? Ran through with no sensitivity to my nature, I have no ill feelings or hatred toward the man for he was only acting exactly how he’d described. Scolding the inner being she is the one at fault for the gems I allowed to be taken. Empty, rubbed raw I could see the switch flip off when I told you this would be the only time, for I don’t like casual romances. Balling my eyes from the moment your foot stepped across my threshold I could feel the tears welling up before your exit. I had to speak my truth because I had already done a disservice to myself and didn’t want the charade to continue. 

You liked me enough to stick it in but not enough to hang around after the next morning. I wanted your body but emotional connection is null and void when you’ve already felt the constellation prize. The standard had been set there was nothing to say but “have a wonderful rest of your day.” Watching you walk down the sidewalk, proof in the ugly way I felt you were the much needed shout…I now see I never loved myself and until I do I’ll let anyone pound through me at the off chance it could be more.