herlucidlife

Sitting with someone you don’t like is hard, especially when that someone is yourself. No block button on my face, no click delete on my soul. I have to sit and look at my reflection. No choice. I’m sitting here staring at her thinking, “what happened for you to put yourself on the ground for trampling?” She’s not answering, scary because I’ll treat every single person man or woman better than I treat myself. I will put my morals and conviction straight on the ground to make a man smile. I will bend backwards to be available, starving my spirit so only the flesh is full, she was acting in ways that were natural to her. 

Spirit’s broken in two my moral nature wailed from the inside face twisted in resentment. I’d not felt this hideous in several moments. Self destruction has been hit a lot these days. I didn’t read my Bible purposely all of March just to make sure conviction wouldn’t come to my door thus making every red flag visible I’d have to deal with it. Senseless I don’t need a reminder to know what I’ve done is grotesque to my beloved Father. I don’t need a warning to know I disappointed Him with my actions, for Father God is crying on my behalf because He knows I’m wretched. 

Alien, I don’t like this creature anymore. Pushed over, rundown, allowed to be taken advantage of, I’ve seen the lackluster way I’ve loved myself and it’s a direct indicator of how I’ve loved God. He deserves more but receives crumbs. He wants to give me more but I’m constantly running towards less than rotten. Protection is an action I falter on too many times to count, God’s allowed for the consequences to not be too severe but my goodness I can only walk so long in a minefield before He will allow me to get blown up because that’s the choice I desired. 

Had to leave the house to reset myself after your departure. Home feeling like a den of sin I had to release myself from its clutches. Doing everything outwardly to feel whole again nothing can cleanse the inside. Still holding onto pieces of you it’ll take more than showers and clean sheets to sponge you away from my spirit. An exchange of energies occured last night yet I left feeling depleted while I’m sure you left feeling the same as when you walked in. No love lost on your end I lost love for myself on my end. I won’t sit here and say this will never happen again because I always talk a good game before the fact. 

I’d lost focus, fogginess covered my eyes. I was only looking at you. Only a man, I wasn’t looking at the Father hiding myself from Him like Adam and Eve knowing I had done wrong. I feel God calling me, “Where are you Naje?” I won’t answer. I keep hiding my face from Him in shame and regret. I’ve put on clothes thinking it would make me more appealing to myself trying to regather what I lost. Fabric won’t hide my scars from Jesus, Who’s already seen what I’m trying to cover before I even committed the sin. 

Transparent to the Father only, He sees right through me. Knowing Your promises isn’t enough to change my behavior, so what will it take to truly keep Your standards? Because at the moment I’m like a goldfish, focus landing on anything that looks shiny. It should only be You Father.