herlucidlife

Mommy you’ve been in my dreams lately, unpleased with my behavior chastising me it hurts to think you’re disappointed. I fought you tooth and nail but you wouldn’t budge on your principles, always stronger than I…I didn’t inherit that trait. Weak when around certain audience members you never seemed to falter when it counted. I always think of you when I’ve done something wrong, out of order, and ungodly. I think of you when I miss the mark on purpose. Intentional sin is worse than those ignorantly sinning for they’ve only seen God’s goodness in the nature He’s produced yet I’ve been taught His right from wrong. I know better. I do not do better. 

Self-righteous, hypocritical I want to be angry at the other person but that would be misplaced and out of line. He did nothing wrong but act exactly how he wanted. I should’ve done my part for me. I need to stop assuming the guy is going to look out for me when it’s only my responsibility to look out for me. Taking social queue he thinks I’m purely okay with how everything is going. My soul was numb all night, not thinking of anyone else but him I was the stupid one. Lust filled my mind, yet my heart wanted everything and then some. We made it clear that neither possessed what the other wanted so it was only normal to go our separate ways never to speak again. You wanted sex, I wanted a loving relationship with soul ties but I knew I couldn’t get what I wanted going down the road we went for our flesh only.

You never liked me but only wanted a taste of the body you’d wanted since you were eighteen. You learned some worldly ways as so did I, we came back six years later to exchange physical notes. Unfortunately, the end result was the same for different reasons our connection was never more than skin deep. Forcing chemistry the conversation was limp. Losing train of thought quickly, it was hard talking to you. Gas prices way too high these days you came hours for some touching of our bodies, you didn’t leave empty handed. What you thought would possibly be a sex buddy routine was a one time concoction of years of sexual tension bursting from the seams. Released, no longer a mystery, you don’t need to come back for more. 

Lacking what I want you got enough for a movie reel in your mind for weeks down the line. I’ll be alright, this won’t knock me down but make me stronger in my conviction to protect myself from the mental cycles I choose to ride on. I don’t need protection from men, what I need is to guard myself from the broken and traumatized behavior I bear…thank you Ty for granting me the wake up call I needed to reset my life.