herlucidlife

It’s sad I don’t believe the last blog post. Cried wolf too many times, inner self isn’t sold needing proof in receipts. Uphill battle with myself…promising too many times to do better, we’ll see. I’m always blown away at how fast a week rolls by, how quickly time ticked away from the trauma I ensued on myself. Sitting here pondering over how my mind was enthralled with your nature before laying eyes on you. Seems almost impossible to have ever been in that mental state. Purposeful ignorance going against what I knew in my soul, looking for you to be solely mine. Intentionally playing the fool to give my body a reason to be felt. All are less than the boundary God set, matrimony. 

Beginning to feel safe again I’m walking back to where I need to be. I was losing someone close to me while giving myself away to be eaten. Not being the self I’d like to be while your life slipped away to be Home with Father. God has crowned you angel, poundage filled Summers dripping sweetness like glaze on buttery arches…pound cake. You made it the best auntie I’ll be missing you. Doesn’t seem real already buried, I just learned two days ago. Feeling trapped, too many days in the house, becoming stagnant in my routine I forgot how it felt to leave the house for my own leisure. Leaving the house when uninvited to view motion pictures or peruse mall racks, something in my spirit is unsettled. 

I’ve never felt lonely before. Ways of how to love myself are coming into my mind, lacking intimacy with her. I sit with my thoughts all the time, having conversations with myself has not yielded loving behavior. Knowing the fragility in my ways does not birth caution. Moving in forceful motions it took a while for me to acknowledge I’ve allowed life to pound on me, though some things out of my control a lot could’ve been avoided. Once again my bathroom flow has become the landing place after my life has seemed to move in the wrong direction. Not knowing who’s next for the first time in a while it feels empty to be here. Vehicle going nowhere out of gas sitting in the same spot with the illusion I’ve gone somewhere. Watching life slow down it’s my inactivity allowing it to fade to a stop.  

Self reflection strength creating weakness. Glaring too hard at myself I’ve dulled and missed the big picture of who I am. Over critical super hurt feelings when messing up is inevitable some spasms happen on purpose. Out of body experience I’ve become more aware of the mental tolls it takes to do simple tasks. Thinking maybe I’m dramatic my mind and body won’t move faster than slow. Creeping, small victories are celebrated around my home, taking care of one’s being and homestead are a win. The big will come eventually but not without all these little moments that somehow become more special and treasured. Maybe the small moments really are big.