herlucidlife

It was easier letting go of weed when I thought you were entering my life for longer than a night. I won’t put down something harmful for myself but for you anything. Unfortunately I’m not talking about Jesus, my spiritual Savior. I’m struggling putting things down for You too seems I don’t have the strength, I’ll need You to take it away instead. Been sitting in the house all day contemplating my cycle, a choice needing to be made in my heart sometimes I think it shouldn’t be this hard to let go of something unhealthy. Though God is holding my hand I’ve not fully tapped into the power that is flowing into me. 

Most days this life either feels trivial or too overwhelming and in either case it seems I’m chasing death looking for an out on this cycle, subconsciously I don’t think I want to be on this earth because if so I’d do everything to live longer rather than just living. Experiencing this worldly life is like riding a roller coaster going hyper speed towards eternal damnation. I’m not enjoying the ride and I’d like to get off, so why is it so difficult to unhook my seat belt? Already unbuckled Jesus has set me free, rather the illusion in my mind is keeping me trapped. I’ve not surrendered everything yet. 

I feel the Holy Spirit keeping me at bay, fighting against Him everyday; it’s like World War IV in my noggin. He’s not fighting holding my hand tightly, letting me tire myself out throwing fits like a child eventually I’ll want what He wants. Feeling my chest skip beats, feeling my heart rate spring into overdrive, sensing my anxiety shoot through the roof because I need more than what I give myself…it’s just simply never enough. I don’t feel like enough for me. Possessing everything I need yet the mind is still sensing discontentment in my bones. 

Not wanting to bite the hand that feeds me, I don’t want to fight Jesus really it’s the voice in my head that won’t shut up. Wrestling with myself she’s unhinged and I’m looking for any excuse to fall back and say, “I’ll try again in four days when the weed is gone and I’m out of my mind again.” Cycles are too hard to break alone. I see why some just keep circling; it’s easier to keep falling than to learn how to fly. Sounding down in the dumps, my mind hasn’t been well for several months now. This may be the most mentally stressful years of my life, my twenties have been rough spiritually, mentally and physically and all I can think is “MAN! I can’t wait for thirty!” 

God is Good, He’s Great and I’d never even be writing these words without Him. He’s allowed me to keep walking, keep changing, to keep growing and for everything I’ve been through and experienced the ride wouldn’t have been nearly as smooth without Him by my side. 

Thankfulness.