herlucidlife

God has been breaking the mental cycles I put myself through when the substance has run dry, when mental withdrawals from herbal angels fall into nothingness. I see it was always in me to be lowly to think of myself as nothing is easy because the sentiment was already in my nature. God is granting me things that are a part of my new being. I’m still learning how to operate her. Coming home from one of my dearest friend’s gender reveal, it mimicked the sentiment that time had moved too fast and life is more unrecognizable while still being the same. Feeling empty holding the concerns of my heart I’m not responsible for anyone but myself. 

You came across my path in a dream and it got me thinking about who’ll love me in the future. When I have a person to call mine I want to be alone, when I’m alone I want someone to call me theirs. Unsettled in myself I’ve taken a hiatus from getting high to see how long my mental routine will enjoy being sober. Sobriety is where my true healing begins, no longer covering up deep emotions numbing things that need to be addressed. For some reason you popped into my hallucination looking every bit of loving. Whispering into my face “I love you,” wanting you to stay longer, my mouth wouldn’t form the words, “don’t go.” 

You, him, and they float through my mind emotionally unavailable. I’m still having a hard time accepting you just weren’t that into me. Finding your picture on my old facebook account tripped me out, always been by my side as a friend. Turning colors into black you switched up yet I hold onto this old photo only for a moment, any more time with your face in my phone would simply undo any progress I’m striving for. I don’t trust anymore. I don’t trust when a guy says words that seem too good to be true. Lies come from the same tongue, approaching me with too much sexual energy. Why do I keep attracting guys that only want one thing? 

I’m scared. Scared of getting crushed by the male libido, I’ve built a wall so high the climb would be harder for any guy in my future. Not sure what I’m trying to say claiming up at the thought of being too honest, I hate the feeling of being fearful to open up my heart. All sheep aren’t dressed up as wolves, some are genuinely lambs looking to be gentle to another. All walking around with trauma it’s not fair to be hard on others, yet being too willing to please would be a disservice to the health of my space. Possibly sounding like gibberish, maybe a waste of written space I literally felt the tears wanting to well up just telling you how nervous I was to interact. 

I call it a blessing to want to do better by myself first. Not being too hasty, truly looking at myself and men with a fine tooth comb. I will not let the defects in my emotional capacity allow me to fall for cute words. I’ll wait for the one with true intentions.