herlucidlife

I don’t have anymore to say about the tormented love life I’ve had. She’s barely crawling looking for rest. Having my mind set for leaving the substance at the door, it wasn’t hard this time having my brain made up looking for completeness in my soul. I get too attached to any guy showing some crumb of affection. Immediately believing I scared you off, but why do I care when clearly you don’t contain what I’m needing? A stranger truly only chatting with you for a day, I’ve already begun to write you off as inconsistent, wanting to see you as a fraud. 

It’s too soon to think of anyone at all. Perhaps my emotional capacity to give and receive love is so damaged my mind only knows to jump to one conclusion. My brother had a notion that maybe this is a season of doing nothing. Pursue nothing romantically, do zero when reached out too, give no energy to anyone. Going against my better judgment conversing just to be talking my feelings don’t know the difference. On me like white on rice all day then nothing, I don’t understand and it makes me feel discarded again. 

For the last seven months I’ve been chalking up every ugly encounter with men to karma. Discarding a husband, every guy after has just been a lesson in what it feels like to be hurt. Getting the picture all too well, I’ve always been the one to leave now it seems the roles are reversed and being on the receiving end doesn’t feel so good. I imagined it wouldn’t yet being callous about it is rude enough. Not seeming to care about guys in the past and how they felt. I’ve played a hand in the cycle of abuse we call dating. Most of us are emotionally unstable taking our torture to the next person, heavier than before I couldn’t help but spew my mistrust on this perfect stranger. 

The other party was clearly lying, my mind is numb. My gut had already spoken. She was just waiting for me to get the hint and trash the communication because it’s worthless talking to an individual who’ll never be in my midst romantically. Not filling the correct void, platonic can’t fill intimate spaces; they have different labels for a reason. No longer operating in the rational realm logic left the window months and years ago, I don’t really have control over the swirling energy in my cerebrum and body. Seems with each step the irrational thoughts set in deeper and deeper just wanting to feel okay, better…and I do to a certain degree. Not taking for granted how far I’ve come, yet in my heart I see so much more work needs to be done. 

Every time my phone buzzes I think, “is it the stranger I met today?” How could a being I’ve never met before send my brain into spirals? Allowing it to happen by not staying away, I believe trauma will control my emotions until I’ve handed them over to God for safe keeping. Reeling head spiraling I keep interrupting the peace I asked for. I keep disturbing my inner sleeping giant, she’s cranky not acting to the best of her abilities. Father please teach me to leave myself alone when I’m supposed to be resting in the hands of the Most High. He’s doing a good work in me if I’d just lay still.