herlucidlife

But God is still so good. Been whining for a while about the down in the dumps love life I’ve had recently but honestly it’s all my fault. I’ve been granted control over myself yet I keep reiterating that I have none. Lies I tell myself, eventually I’ll begin to embody the sentiment if not careful. Maybe selfish but have you ever been nervous to console someone in their deepest time of need? Feeling like going into surgery with no schooling, perhaps the best thing for grieving folks is to be left alone reaching out consistently but allowing room for getting used to the new way of life. Her family will never be the same, embarking on a journey without their youngest member, life will forever be bittersweet without this honeyed angel bringing life into their midst. 

I didn’t know what to do for her, so I went off how I felt after mom passed and I didn’t want to be around people. I wanted to be home alone, missing her getting used to the house without her scent aromatically floating through the house. Poking my head out only when I wanted to see people, there’s something comforting about being alone with the memory of that person because seeing anyone else would stop the vision in my brain. Dear God! They’ll never be the same without him. The first five years are the hardest and even then there is no timestamp for all grief is manifested differently. No day goes by where I don’t think of mom, it was just yesterday I saw her sweet face lit up with angelic embers. 

Praying deeply in my heart for them all, nothing I could do would bring back whom they want. Yet I continue to pray God brings me outside of my own trauma that I may be there for who needs it the most. Operating from a place of fear, I can almost feel myself being nudged into uncomfortable zones. Being the way I’ve always been won’t bring me to the places I want to go. Always moving from a place of love, someone reading this may think I’m a bad friend for not dropping everything and running over at the first sign of grief and I’m questioning the same thing about myself. We laid to rest a dear soul today, a magnificent human being understood and completed his God given assignment. 

It’s funny how I learned so much from this person after his death, witnessing this young man give all glory to God at every chance. What I didn’t witness were the Bible studies he held with his friends or the unapologetic way he converted a soul after learning they didn’t believe in Jesus. In his classroom he planted seeds in those that didn’t know the Father because of this young person taking the Call from Jesus seriously, He was granted an exit from this wicked world. People will forever know Jesus because of his obedience. Though deeply missed, his family’s heart is broken in two they will never be the same, thankfully the days will get easier. Speaking from personal experience, death always changes the living. Lessons being learned on how to live better or avoid cautionary tales, it seems to always put life back in focus.

The Gospel, spreading its message is the only purpose and every resource and avenue is simply put in place so that I may meet more people to share His message.