herlucidlife

Has something ever been so right your mind makes it confusing out of fear? Popping up unexpectedly not fitting into my timeline, always assuming I’m not ready yet a fresh supply of love somehow sprung for you. Attached at the fingertip hips it was all a lie, deceptive slick talker to get what you wanted, thank God He got me out unscaved out of harm’s way. I was in the hands of a master manipulator for weeks, allowing myself to believe every word though my gut said run for the hills. I could barely even fix my mouth to pray about it because I could hear God speaking so clearly…His answer was “no daughter not this one.” Every time I entertain any inkling of romantic affection I sense my spirit groaning, going into territory I shouldn’t be in.

I can never fully love myself if I keep allowing men into my midst, disturbing my peace of mind. I’ve never encountered a romantic love that didn’t make me feel uncomfortable in some way, always staying longer than needed. I am the protector of my own peace, yet I’ve noticed no one can bring additional peace to me other than God. Unfortunately, I’ve only encountered men that have drained the peace out of me. I’ll say it again, not all men are the same, rather I keep attracting those who would rather finesse the mind then be truly loving. Yet, love is none existent when the Source of love is absent from your life. 

God is the best teacher of love and everything He is is not man made. Counterfeit love, deception in the tongue phonies posing as authentic, God never lives in confusion and I lied to myself trying to believe otherwise for a photo of man I’d never met. So thirsty, desperate for any constant affection wanting to be dripped in honey gold tenderness. I think ATM is tattooed on my forehead because all that happened is taking, none have deposited anything worthwhile. I really could have left it all on the curb like trash…it stinks something filthy. I had to let the tears fall, it’s my own fault I let myself get too attached before departing. 

It’ll take several days to erase you from my memory because I actually did enjoy him, chatting away feeling like I had someone special in my corner. I missed being wanted past friendship, I missed being pursued and most of all I missed giving my intimacy genuinely to another. Nothing physical, intimacy is more than touching; it’s a connection of the mind and soul that trickles down south igniting fire in the bones. He had me wrapped into his membrane like soft gray matter feeding the inner cortex. I willingly went into the fire with gasoline draws on, I blame myself for the hurt I felt earlier today and for the emotional tornado swirling in my heart. 

He’d never been able to do any damage had I been focused on my own well being, sticking to Father like glue bending my mind to His will only. I would’ve never known you had I stayed the course, yet that’s what happens when smelling the daisies in left field goes longer than needed. Straight forward no looking to the left or the right God will always be directly in front of me holding my hand keeping me balanced and upright propped up on all sides, I will not fall with Him. I am loved no matter what, I am cared for very well, and if that special romantic love never finds my doorstep then I know I’ll never be short of Love because God will give it to me every moment of the day without me having to ask. 

He is Love.