herlucidlife

Something is sitting on my chest like a weighted blanket. When things in life are falling into place I tend to worry myself about the length of time I’ll be on this earth to enjoy it. I often look at the path of my parents and pray my demise doesn’t come at an early age. No one travels the same exact road and this lane only has my name on it, yet I find myself not breathing while I drive, holding my breath tensing my jaws and shoulders. Having to speak out loud kind words to myself because if not the mind will continue to think thoughts of fear and deathly turns just becoming too much. Not wanting to wish detriment into existence, the body takes cues from the mind shooting off chemicals when signs of stress creep into my aura. 

Making a decision, a shift in the mindset is the most powerful tool to date. Sticking to the boundaries I’ve set for myself, difficulty is seeping into the bones overthinking the choice I made. It’s too easy to get faded nowadays. Wanting to lose my mind and escape from reality, life isn’t uncomfortable or unbearable, rather my body has gotten used to the routine of being mentally put away. Looking for a substitute nothing can take the place of harm but it’s only cousin damage. Feeling more at ease in my skin, acknowledging more that I’m beautiful, no conceit in these words, it’s a blessing to see myself as more than dirt. Not wanting to focus on the lack in my life, I’ve been blessed with every dream and the hallucinations I thought needed to stay were nightmares at the beginning of my inner healing. 

I walked away feeling proud of myself for not indulging this time. I yearn to go back to that girl that had no clue what intoxication felt like. No recollection of the act, my body was never dependent on any substance. Indulging the body in unhealthy ways, wreaking havoc on arteries with greased lined dough sheets and incorrigible liquid coming too close to hurting others and myself. I’m hoping it doesn’t take years to get away from the idea and even then I don’t have much faith in myself. Faith in God is more than sufficient. I’ll need it to kick the monkey off my back. Cycling in circles like a broken wheel on a bike, have you ever been so obsessed with the “no” that it took joy out of the “yes”? I’ve lost peace in doing what is right because the agony of letting go of the old is breaking my mental back. Nothing to tangle with, it’s all a mental battle that has manifested itself in my actions or lack thereof. 

Catching my breath holding her in close I feel my most relaxed when God is controlling my air for it is only His gasp that has filled my lungs from birth. My heart beats on His rhythm alone, nothing I could do to stop or start the process it’s all in His hands. Freedom is only relative when it’s not coming from God. Most have a different perception or definition of what being free looks like. God’s liberty is bound to the heavens, to the character of His face, there is ultimate gain in the whisper of His direction. 

Am I a reflection of His face or the imagination I’d like to impersonate? Painting my own colors, nothing is more detrimental than following an imaginary God who is stuck to ritual, tradition, and human boxes thinking it’ll get you to the clarity He brings, it won’t. So I ask myself again am I a disciple of a hallucination or of the tangible living Most High God?