herlucidlife

I don’t want to use God’s grace as an excuse to not do better. I’ve been so focused on the thorn in my side it’s hindered the strength needing to come because of it. How am I supposed to know sufficient grace without the thorn? My lawn mower wouldn’t work and just simply stopped cold on me after the blade fell out. Feeling defeated in the Summer heat I wanted to throw tears of inadequacy. Immediately I pounced on myself for the things I hadn’t done or couldn’t do because of the irresponsible choices I’d made. Lacking in stewardship for the blessings God has given me, I don’t look at myself and think “wow I did it.” Rather I view myself in ugly form and then I look to the sky and think “wow if God hadn’t stepped in giving me strength, giving me a community I wouldn’t have power.” 

I can’t make myself better, only God can do that. I’m so bothered by the lack in my bones because I can’t produce more. Perfected power in my body, completed strength in my mind, it would be impossible without God. My weakness allows space for God in my life. He’s not going to take away my fragility, the thorn in my side has purpose and meaning in His plan for me. So twisted trying to remove it myself, I can almost feel God looking at me saying “stop struggling to remove something I put in place for your betterment.” Better stewardship, better humility, a better disciple of God planting seeds He has created. I yearn so much to be better it propels me to worse because the pressure is too high. 

My body had gotten used to being intoxicated from a substance that not being under the influence now feels like influence. Stable mindedness feels like shifting water. Brain waves crashing with every emotion wiggling into play, too often I sense my flesh grappling with life. Wrestling internal demons, vision is becoming clear on the hands at play. To lack is to see God’s most. To be weak is to experience God’s strength. To be dependent on God is to be independent from the world. Moving too fast for my own good in a rush to meet my future self, unfortunately even the image of her is subject to change based on the movement of my present self. Basing my life on someone who doesn’t exist yet, only God knows what she is capable of and still His grace will be all the more sufficient because she too will be weak in order to see God’s strength. 

I struggle with the freedom to choose. Often choosing the incorrect path, I tread lightly when saying sometimes I wish God’s choice was the only option. Yet when I truly believe God has worked everything out for the goodness of my life and the glory of His, then should I even be concerned about my choices? Or should I be more vigilant because my choices show whom I belong to? The movement in my life shows I’m a child of God, no perfect replica but we are kin nonetheless. I pray my behavior resembles Jesus and not man. I admit not all my actions come from a place of godliness yet the intention never came from hatred either.