herlucidlife

It’s really difficult to see my beauty past skin deep. When I’m in a hurt place, spiraling out of control, I look at the collage of emotions swirling and they paint this dingy brown color I detest so badly. I don’t know how to see myself how God sees me. Perhaps I’ve asked in the past and stopped trying to view anything good once my behavior went past hideous. I don’t give myself slack yet God’s granted grace and mercy abundantly keeping me from the death I deserve while granting me covering I’m not worthy of. God and I aren’t equals yet I chastise myself worse than He ever would. He holds nothing against me, He forgives every wrong doing even the ones in the future. Too much damage has transpired and really I’m tired of trying to see myself clearly. 

I’m simply drained, emotionally stolen from a higher place. I walk on the ground like the lizard’s belly to the dirt. Sometimes walking feels like a slow burning crawl up a hill I’m not sure is worth climbing. Reading my words back, it puts me in a deeper headspace than I’d like to be in. Unfortunately nothing earthly can pick my head up, everything I’ve tried fails miserably. I go to God but He’s no jeannie in a bottle I’m on His timing. My God is in no rush to relieve the discomfort of the consequences I feel, He’s in no hurry to lift the blind fold off my eyes because I’m clouding my own judgement not Him. I’m being kept here for a season, the reason will be clear later down the line. 

I often think I can’t do something when really choosing responsibility for my actions is the only job. Most times I simply do not want to do the correct thing. Saying “yes” or “no” is more than choosing an option at phase value but it’s saying “yes” or “no” to the emotions, feelings, and consequences of the action. Some immediate, while others linger for long term use. When I say yes to marijuana, I’m also saying yes to the munchies that kick my appetite into high gear, eating myself into discomfort so full I could throw up, feet and legs swelling into painful territory. I’ve said yes to the time spent puffing that could’ve went elsewhere, the money lost on a substance that hinders physical well being, lastly I say yes to the dependency being built in my head because now I longer reach for God first but fourth or fifth on my list. 

The issue is my mind doesn’t think deeper past the immediate comfort of doing that thing I want whether it be getting drunk, flicking the bean into ecstasy, blowing down the room till smoke waves are in the sky, or filling myself with such sodium riddled processed foods it could always be called poison. I choose these things over physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health. I won’t say that I can not stop because I know in fact I can through Jesus, though it will be painful denying oneself. It’s only hurtful because I don’t use the muscle enough. It’ll be sore until I get the hang of leaning into His direction before ever considering my own. Why would I not when I’d lead myself to death and His path to life. I have self-control, strength, and power to choose right by His standards. I can do better because He has made me to do better through Him alone, I will be perfected. I will heal completely and I will look back years from now and think “WOW His grace never left sufficient for the road, faith deeper in my soul. I am better.”