herlucidlife

I had a lot of snakes in my grass without knowing. Disguised as lovers and friends, God has been revealing people to me in my circle. Slithering for far too long in my midst I asked God to show you to me so when He removes you I won’t make a fuss but a celebratory yell instead. Having an unsettled feeling in my spirit after we broke bread on your birthday it didn’t seem well how overly nice you were about my appearance and accomplishments. Laying it on a little too thick I had questions in my head. Brushing them off not paying too close attention to what needed to be seen I had no proof to go off of. Father sent me confirmation through your own judgmental behavior. You told on yourself, you took the disguise off and our dear friend relayed the message of the ugly stare you gave.

Sitting around the table sharing the struggles we face with weight, fitness, and health. Sharing things I wrestle with, it was brought to my attention the hideous face you made when I began speaking. I’ve listened to your pain without judgment, not always going through the same trial I work at being empathetic anyhow. I understand hurt and pain. I’ve spent years learning how to love myself at any size, loving who I am on the inside yet you look down your nose because I am not the size you are. Yet if you had to walk in my shoes you’d go cripple from the weight of it all because I almost did. Never judging your shoe size, nothing friendly came from you and it bothered me so I needed God’s advice on how to go about dealing with you in the future. He said do nothing but stay distant. 

I’ve no time or tolerance for toxic relationships that feel forced or handled. No patience for backstabbing, my spine has been bruised enough from months of trauma. Not written off but distant to the point of disappearing Father said don’t do anything I will handle what needs to happen next. Ready to block anyone that rubs me the wrong way. I don’t want to act as though I’m holier than thou. I’ve noticed only Jesus can be around every crowd and still be purely white and clean, changing everyone in His midst while I’ll come out dingy and damaged. No longer wanting to ingest anything from you, it makes me feel as though the friendship was never real, just a bridge to connect you to every guy you couldn’t have.  

I see clearly now, I’ll be moving on.