herlucidlife

It’s taking everything in me not to erase you from my life but every time I get the feeling to do anything my gut reacts in ways I’d rather steer clear of. God has spoken and I can’t go against His voice, to do so would cause more damage to the situation. Removing a friend is a divine order because you were only brought into my life by His direction anyhow. Muting your story was too much for my spirit to handle feeling too much like going against the Father I had to backtrack. Instead I watched a salacious video that put my spirit in even more turmoil. Understanding my cycle this will not become a habit like it was many years ago. 

I began writing because I had a story to tell. Emotions, tales so deep in my chest it fluttered in anxiousness. Couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind began wandering to the past events of life and how God brought me through every one. The devil tried to kill me, snuffing me out with my own evil desires. Sinking into nothingness, depression filled the bones when she left. The catalyst made sure to bring vices before she departed. I remember the swelling in my legs so deep I could see the fluid move as I pressed down onto my skin. Tightness exacerbated by family history of certain illnesses, we black people struggle with the same salt sensitivity. 

Living with a company that was all too okay with my demise, looking the other way when I tried to do better. It’s crazy how someone else doing better can creep stagnation into the bones of another because it’s all too clear they need to raise the standard as well. Not matching my energy I could see you were uncomfortable with me wanting to do good for myself because it meant you being well for us too. You couldn’t love me because it meant putting away things you didn’t want to lose. You refused to care for me because it meant giving more than what you were willing. Too much skin in the game, “it was your world and I was just living in it.” Sound familiar? It’s the phrase you threw in my face every time I wanted us to do more than laziness. Looking your nose down at close friends who were doing everything in their power to live their dreams, ugly how criticism usually comes from those too scared to do that which they criticize. Hypocrite, I smiled in your face consoling you when deep down I couldn’t understand why their lives hindered yours so much.

Father met me in a dark place. I found His quiet strength when it felt like life would be the end. I found His face when it seemed living was over, thinking to myself “this can’t be all that life is.” Suffering doesn’t look the same for every person, it may be called by different names but the damage it ensues is identical to a broken heart. Sometimes anger fills my body when I think about how long I stayed in a hell hole trying to make it look like heaven. Every now and then I twist over in my grave thinking of how I allowed you to almost put me there. But God had my hand. Sometimes you have to see the shadow of death to understand the majesty of His goodness. I needed to internalize how close God was and is to me, danger has further fueled my faith and belief in the Lord. 

Manifesting into action, it’s not hocus pocus but manifesting is an outward expression of what is already inside. Nothing to do with dreaming up my future life, no law of attraction. God brought me more internally than I could ever ask for outwardly. He is my King.