herlucidlife

I went stupid in the last post, I went off because something is on my Spirit speaking through me like word vomit these aren’t my letters. It’s like a bottomless pit when I get like this. The liquid lifts my spirits and I want more and more until I can feel any part of my body numb to everything, except the emotions that swirl. I skip certain songs that could make me think too much. I couldn’t wait to party with my friend. I had to start the night before because the thought of drinking was too exciting. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the “when you miss me so much text” you have to ring my bell, I don’t want to be there but my heart is lingering for you anyway. Slipping into my dream, your sweet face haunts me like the ghost of Christmas past. You didn’t know how to handle my kindness just as I don’t know how to handle missing you. 

Some days go by and I pretend to not think about you, when others are so filled with thoughts of future you and I it’s like choking on my own saliva. I’ve gotten to the point of drunkenness where emotions spill over because now I feel like crying. Coming down into sadness. I pray for you, I speak your name to God because He’s the only being I feel comfortable even uttering your name around more than once. We never dated but you burrowed into my heart like a groundhog on earth day. I miss you. I want to only speak about you if I could have a week long conversation with anyone the only topic would be you. Even still it wouldn’t be enough to unload. 

You don’t have to know someone deeply to feel them deeply. Heart ties form just from sheer intimacy of feeling and experiencing the same struggle. Head swirling, it takes more than weeks, months, and years to remove your heart from someone. Decisions can be made to leave but the heart is more stubborn. J show up one more time because it feels needed, you brought smiles and tears to my face. I’d like to repeat the cycle with you. It was heavenly like nectar dropping from the skies. Say Yes.  Everyone else is like a rotten place holder. I pray for you because it relieves the anger in my heart. I whisper your name to God because if not I’d burst, I need you to be well. I’d never want it to be without me but that would be selfish. 

Stay healthy, come close to me one more time, come close to God perhaps you’ll find me there. I don’t want to be separated from you. I’ll never let you hurt me again spewing fake promises like disease cancer of the emotions you spread further than I wanted. I love you. Come back home, there’s a place for you and please God forgive my words because it’s only my broken heart wishing for love from the only one I wanted. Could you please grant me this even if it’s out of Your character? It’s wrong to connect to those unevenly yoked. I can’t change him. I wouldn’t dare try too, he was perfect like a baby’s first breath. Come breathe my name, don’t keep it a secret how you feel. 

Delusional, desperate for your affection, I’ll be better tomorrow morning. Lord willing.